The Viable Alternative

Some years back, I dated this woman who, at the time we met, was in the middle of a divorce after over ten years of marriage.

When I took an intuitive guess as to why they were getting divorced and asked, “Was it because he wasn’t ‘manly enough’ as in non-assertive, too nice, letting you wear the pants in the relationship and making you his mother?” she said, “BINGO.”

After she finally left her husband after threatening to do so for years, she had a tumultuous fling with a “bad boy.” He was macho, manly, a fantastic dancer and great in the bed, BUT, he had no ambition, could not relate to her intellectually because he didn’t have too much of an education, was becoming very controlling, and was insecure. After several months, she eventually left him.

BEFORE she met her “nice guy” ex husband, she had dated a bunch of bad boys who she was very attracted to, but were generally emotionally unhealthy, ranging from being abusive, to having substance abuse problems, emotionally unavailable, etc. In fact, she had met her ex-husband exactly because she was sick and tired of dating bad boys, and wanted a nice guy who was emotionally available, treated her well, and who she could “mold” into the type of guy she wanted.

Obviously that didn’t work out. When she was with him, she was bored, unfulfilled, dissatisfied and sexually frustrated. She had no desire to have sex with him because he made her feel constantly dry “down there.”

When her and I had met, she had basically sworn off men and resigned herself to the fact that there was no one out there for her and she was just going to wind up being alone.

Now this woman was no slouch. She was a beautiful, intelligent, sexy Latina educator with two Master degrees, certified in Psychotherapy, a salsera and an entrepreneur that pulled herself up by the bootstraps.

However, in our first telephone conversation we had after she had given me her number at a lounge, I noted to her a dilemma I’ve noticed many woman from all walks of life struggle with before and since then. (Note: I said “many” NOT “all”.)

A lot of women tend to think there’s only two types of guys – the “bad boy” and the “nice guy.”

They go after the bad boy because he exhibits certain raw masculine qualities that ignite those deep primal feminine energies that make her feel alive. Qualities that range from being bold, to assertive, independent, aggressive, wild, adventurous and being able to protect her if isht when down. However, the dark side of the bad boy is they haven’t evolved as MEN, they’re often unfaithful, emotionally unavailable, unreliable, dishonest, selfish or just generally dysfunctional douchebags.

After some run-ins with the bad boy which often leave women an emotional wreck, they decide it’s time that they “grow up” and “settle down” with a guy who’s emotionally available, dependable, provides security, and treats her well – the nice guy. The problem is, when a lot of women find a guy like this, though everything “looks right” on the surface, and though they SHOULD be happy, they often become these bored, unsatisfied housewives where something just seems to be missing. Because the masculine/feminine polarity is absent in the relationship, they lose touch with that raw femininity that makes them feel full and nourished.

This is why you often hear stories of the bored, frustrated housewife getting rammed in the tool shed by Julio the Gardener, or Brad the Poolboy, or Rahim Jenkins the nightclub bouncer who just got out of jail. Sure she’s not marrying them, but they make her feel a certain way that her husband can’t.

What many women (and men also) fail to realize is that there is a THIRD type of guy – that guy who embodies the desirable qualities of both the bad boy and the nice guy. He’s bold, adventurous, confident, assertive, independent, and can and will protect you if isht went down just like a bad boy, but unlike a bad boy his in control but not controlling, he’s dangerous but not a danger (big difference between the two), he’s dominant but not domineering. He is also faithful, treats you well, and is emotionally available, however, unlike a nice guy, he has well defined boundaries and has no problem cutting you off if you cross those boundaries, is non-needy, and rather than being nice he’s “kind.” He makes you feel wildly feminine the way a bad boy does without the drawbacks.

When I share this with many women, they often express shock that they can get the best of both worlds and a relief that they don’t have to settle for being mistreated by the bad boy or living bored and in dire yearning with the nice guy.

The thing is that this type of guy is rare because it involves the evolution of a male from a boy to a man, something that most males are not willing to do because it involves dealing with their personal issues which can be very difficult and painful. I will also add that not many women can see or attract this type of guy because they also have not done the work on themselves, and such guys, because they put a lot of work into themselves, won’t settle for someone who hasn’t done the same.

So ladies, if you’ve been wondering, there is such a guy out there, but you have to do the work.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love