The Viable Alternative

Wow, over four months since I’ve put something on here. Shame on me!

I’m sorry, I was actually trying to produce at least one blog entry a month on this site, but with my trip to Miami over the summer and all the “fanfare” involved with preparing for my one month trip, including putting together a sponsorship event, I got sidetracked. Then, coming back, I’ve been in some sort of strange transition where my perception of the world around me is shifting, so I decided to hold off on writing anything until I had a grasp of what’s going on.

It’s been well over three months since I’ve gotten back from Miami, but it’s now starting to dawn on me the effect that this trip has had on me. I see that it’s starting to change me in many ways.

You see, it was about one year ago, I was sitting in Bryant Park with a mentor of mine, and he was going over with me my plans for the upcoming fall in terms of my modeling career.

During our meeting, it was discussed reasons why that I hadn’t achieved my goals to get an underwear contract and also see the fruit of the investments I made as a model over the years.

My mentor, who has a tremendous amount of spiritual insight, felt that part of the reasons why I hadn’t achieved my goals was that I never really allowed myself to really build some momentum. My career had always been in fits and starts, where I’d start, then I’d face some hardship or rejection, then stop again, then resurface after several months. He said I needed to be consistent.

He also suggested that since I was getting the results I desired that maybe I should go to South Beach, Miami and try out that market. There he said, was more suited to my body type, but also, more importantly, he said that sometimes you need to step away from a certain scene that you’ve been a part of for so long, try something new to shake things up, and then come back with a whole new perspective.

Funny enough, a brother-in-law, who’s a preacher who also has a tremendous amount of spiritual insight, had mentioned something similar earlier on in the year, saying that sometimes it’s required that I leave my current environment and go to a different environment to receive my blessings that are due to me.

Since a trip was now mentioned a second time to me, I took it as a sign that I needed to go somewhere.

On top of this trip, my mentor asked me, “When are you going to do a show to promote yourself as a model? If no one is promoting you, you have to promote yourself.”

BAM!!

Needless to say, this meeting scared me half to death. First off, I always hated the idea of putting on events, because I had this fear since childhood of putting on an event and facing the utter embarrassment of no one showing up. Second, how in the world was I going to get to Miami not to mention having to spend a considerable amount of time there? I didn’t have the money, and I couldn’t just up and leave my job as I had rent and other bills to pay.

Well, scared as hell though I was, a few months later, I managed to put a show together called “The Ike Show,” with the collaboration of a number of other artists which was a resounding success.

I also, slowly but surely, started speaking as if I was going to Miami, though I had no idea how the hell I was going to get there. I started emailing photographers down there through a modeling networking web site, telling them my intentions of coming down there the following spring/summer, and how I would love to shoot with them when I was in town.

Soon enough, doors started to open on me getting the money to fund the trip, (the IRS was a big help. Thank you Uncle Sam!) In May of this year, I bought my plane ticket, got someone to sublet my room while I was gone, and threw a sponsorship event to fund my trip to Miami. The event, though intimate and cozy where the guests had a great time, didn’t exactly garner the amount of money I would’ve liked, went a LONG way helping me get over my fears of throwing events and promoting myself, helped create a buzz for myself in the industry, and lastly, got people to take me more seriously as a model, which was very important.

So, I left New York for South Beach July of this year, spent a month there, did my thing, and the rest they say is history.

So, as I sit here typing this, having been back from Miami for quite a while now, I’m starting to see the changes the whole “to do” about going there has caused in me.

It has helped give me what years of reading a bunch of self-help books couldn’t: it has given me a new level of self esteem.

Well, let me be fair. It wasn’t only the trip, but also the whole chain of events that stemmed from my meeting in Bryant Park: putting on events to promote myself, shooting with 18 different photographers, slowly building my “brand,” all finally culminating to my trip to Miami.

Self Esteem

For years I’ve tried to build self-esteem, knowing I had little of it. I thought I could get it from reading books and going to seminars but ultimately was unsuccessful.

Looking over the past year, comparing where I was sitting in Bryant Park to where I am right now, I see myself and the world in a different way. Beyond merely just paying it lip service, I am really starting to think that all things are truly possible if you believe.

Now, I’m not the epitome of someone with self esteem because I still have a very long way to go before I consider myself truly comfortable within my own skin and I still in the process of discovering the essence of who I really am at the core level. Yet, I’ve covered a lot ground in how I feel about myself and am starting little by little to recognize the ME that is emerging from all the dirt I laid on top of it all these years.

Low self-esteem is a very common ailment that pervades this society. Yet though people have all sorts of ways that they try to build self-esteem, they never wind up having success because they have no idea of whom or what the “self” is to begin with. Because of this, they mostly wind up building their egos rather than their self, which ultimately winds up making things worse.

Here are some of the points that I’ve learned that were helpful in me feeling better about myself. These steps go beyond just reading some damn books and claiming I’m “enlightened,” rather, they come from experiences that I’ve personally gone through and learned from.

1. Honour yourself
   
   When I say honour yourself, I don’t mean by going to the Apple Store and picking up the latest version of the iPhone (R.I.P. Steve Jobs) so you can show off to your friends or in order to keep up with everyone else. That is just simply gratifying your ego. Rather I mean to listen to your heart where your true self lies and honour what it’s telling you.

   Whatever desire that is speaking to you, take steps towards fulfilling it. It doesn’t even have to be something “big” like climbing Mount Everest, or swimming across the English Channel. It could be something smaller like taking a course at some school of some subject you’re interested in. It could be also taking small trip somewhere that you’ve wanted to go that isn’t thousands of miles away.

   For quite a few years I’ve been VERY embarrassed at not knowing how to swim. Yeah I took a course as a teenager, but I didn’t learn too much, and within the last few years this had been eating at me. At the beginning of every year over the past few years, I’d write down as one of my goals to learn to swim, and each year would pass without me taking any steps towards achieving my goal.

   This past spring, I decided enough was enough and despite the fact that I didn’t think I could afford to do it as I had bills to pay, I decided to go and do it anyway, and everything would work itself out.

   I just refused to continue to be a victim of my circumstances including not having enough money.

   Well, I took my swimming courses and everything else worked itself out.

   Now, I still don’t know how to swim as well as I’d like, and I still have more courses to take, but man, I felt so good about myself just taking charge of my own destiny and doing something I had wanted to do for a long time. It felt so powerful and exhilarating. It taught me the first hand experience of taking an active role in living the life you want to live by listening to your heart.

   The same thing can be said when I was stepping out of my comfort zone to put together events to promote myself as a model. As scared as I was, and with the little sleep I was getting at night due to all the work I had to do, there was a power I felt within me because I was taking steps towards achieving the desires of my heart. Instead of just sitting on the sidelines watching other people make things happen, I was being proactive in making the life I wanted to happen as well.

   I personally believe from my personal experience that when we honour what’s on our hearts, our self esteem rises bit by bit. Conversely, when we ignore what’s deep in our hearts where the core of who we are lies, we are in essence telling ourselves that we don’t matter. This could be displayed when we ignore a desire to pursue a passion because we’re scared or think that it’s “childish” or “foolish”. This could also be displayed when we settle for a relationship we’re unhappy in because we’re afraid to be alone.

   It’s one thing to be told that you don’t matter by other people, but how do you think your self-esteem is affected when you tell that to yourself over and over again?

   When we choose to act on those seemingly small desires of our hearts consistently, it builds a momentum that causes us to be more confident and have a steady rise in our self esteem that we start taking on those “bigger” desires until before we know it, our lives are transformed.

   Honouring ourselves can also be as simple as deciding to stop eating a not-so-healthy food, joining a gym to get in shape (and actually going regularly, not just going once every three months and feeling guilty or making excuses for not going the rest of the time), deciding that you’re going to drink eight glasses of water a day because it’s healthy, quitting smoking cigarettes, deciding not to no longer hang with certain people because they’re negative, etc.

   When we choose to do (or not to do) something because it promotes our overall well being, we demonstrate that we love and honour who we are and it helps raise our self esteem.

2. Take risks/step out of your comfort zone
   
   I’ve heard the saying that “All growth happens outside of your comfort zone,” and I can honestly say looking back at the past year that whoever came up with this is right.

   Naturally, it’s quite scary to step out of our comfort zones because we have to confront our fears that we hide from inside our comfort zones. Also, it often means that we take on a task that’s beyond what we recognize ourselves as being capable of.

   Coupled with all this is the uncertainty we face when we take the “risk” of stepping out of our comfort zones. Oftentimes, it means giving up a steady check, risking not being able to pay our rent, moving to a new city of even country where we don’t know the language or have any friends or family, leaving a “comfortable” but unfruitful relationship, etc.

   Yet, despite all these “risks”, my opinion is that the REAL risk is choosing to stay in your comfort zone.

   Why?

   Well, because you miss out on really getting to know who you really are and you’re made of. You also deny yourself the possibility of succeeding and subsequently unearthing a whole new level of yourself that you never thought existed.

   Truth be told, even if things don’t work out the way you like, there STILL is a very good chance that you’ll learn something about yourself that you didn’t know about before.

   So, whether you win or lose, you still win because you get to challenge and disprove all those false ideas you had of yourself – ideas that diminished your self esteem.

   However, when you choose the short term “benefit” of playing it “safe” and remaining “comfortable,” in the long term your self esteem suffers because it erodes your self respect and you deny yourself the privilege of taking your destiny into your own hands and answering the desires of your heart.

   I’ve learned that despite the fear, there is a certain “aliveness” that you feel when you’re living on the edge and stepping out of your comfort zone to pursue your goals and dreams. You’re scared, you’re not certain about how things will turn out, but you feel empowered just for the simple act of putting yourself out there.

   About a month and a half before I left for Miami, my mentor had challenged me to put together an event to collect sponsorship dollars for my trip, and also as a way to promote myself as a model that’s making things happen.

   Frankly, I was annoyed at his suggestion because 1) I pretty much already had the money I needed; 2) I thought it’d be a waste of time and 3) I didn’t want to risk losing any money putting together the event by not being able to collect enough sponsorship money.

   So, I flat out refused. I mean, how dare he? I had already faced my fears of putting together events by putting together a show called “The Ike Show” eight months earlier which was a resounding success, why did I have to go through all that again?

   In actuality, the only reason why I got so annoyed was because as a mentor should, he was challenging me to step out of my comfort zone and doing what scared the crap out of me. Topmost of my fears was what if nobody showed up. I also didn’t think anyone would care about what I was up to and was afraid of risking losing any money.

   I also knew how much work goes into putting on an event, and didn’t want to do it.

   Well, my mentor saw my explanation as to why I wouldn’t do the event for what it was: b.s. and he told me so in quite a brutally honest fashion.

   After he laid into me, I saw in hindsight how stupid I was being. I also knew that I would’ve lost a lot of respect for myself if I shirked from facing my fears and stepping out of my comfort zone to pursue my dreams, so I went ahead with the event.

   Indeed putting together the event was no picnic, and during those three weeks when I was putting together the event I slept very little, and often found myself dosing off at work. I also had this nagging fear that no one was going to show up at the event. Yet, despite all of this, during the whole process, I was filled with such an immense respect for myself for actually going out and making things happen.

   I explained earlier that the event was successful and the guests had a good time, but though the turnout was decent, I hoped more people would come, and I wound up losing money putting together the event because the sponsorship money I received didn’t cover what I initially spent.

   But who cares? I can’t put a dollar value on what I gained from stepping out of my comfort zone, taking a risk and putting on the event. The benefits FAR outweighed the “disappointments.”

   Also, I would’ve lost a LOT more had I chosen to listen to my fears and stay in my comfort zone.

   This event, coupled with the other instances throughout the past year where I stepped out of my comfort zone and took action towards actualizing my dreams was a major contributor to the momentum I had when I returned from Miami that helped catapult my self confidence and expand my awareness of what’s truly possible.

   I have this new restlessness to challenge myself to do things that in the past I thought were impossible. I look at the life I’m currently living and compare it to the life that I want to live, and see it as a challenge to see if I could really get there. I have this possession to be a better version of myself and see how it will manifest.

   Also, beyond it being just a fanciful idea, I look at those who express qualities that I admire that I am not currently expressing, I think to myself, “Why not me?” I also think, “There’s no excuse. If this person can express such qualities, why can’t you?” These admirable qualities that I see in others no longer seem like an impossibility but rather, more of a challenge.

   All in all, just from what I’ve been able to accomplish the last year, I’ve seen a whole new range of possibilities for myself – possibilities that I deserve, and that I’m worthy of.

   This all wouldn’t have been possible had I not chosen to step out of my comfort zone and take risks.

3. Become aware of your habitual thought patterns
   
   It was in 2001 when I discovered for the first time that the reason why I seemed to always have this underlying, nagging insecure feeling was because of that negative voice inside my head that would tell me that I wasn’t good enough, that I was a loser, would bring up all my past mistakes when I wanted to attempt something, etc, etc.

   Upon learning about this constant internal critic, I read a thousand and one books over the next few years so that I could learn how to change the voice or turn it off.

   Truth be told, I completely failed at doing that and almost went insane.

   It was last year when I heard this brilliant quote I finally began to have a breakthrough in this area:

   “We cannot control the parade of negative thoughts marching through our minds. But we can choose which ones we will give our attention to. Picture your thoughts as people passing by the front of your home. Just because they’re walking by doesn’t mean you have to invite them in.”
   – Gladys Edmunds

   It dawned on me that it’s not about shutting off that negative voice per se, but changing how I responded to it. You don’t have to listen to your egos when it tells us that you’re a loser, or that you’re going to fail, etc.

   That insight led to a series of realizations this year that made me realize that by HABIT we are not only accustomed to responding to that negative voice in our heads with more negative thought patterns, but by extension, we in general are accustomed to indulging in thought patterns that take us farther away, not closer to the type of life that we want to live.

   What’s worse than that is that we’re so used to doing it that we’re not even aware of it.

   I bet if you were to randomly take a snapshot of what was going on in your mind at any given time of day, it’s very likely that you would see your mind deeply engaged in thinking about how horrible you are, your past mistakes, how to adjust your life to the negative thought that just came up in your head that spoke negatively about you, etc.

   Think about the random thought that pops in your head about some kid calling you ugly when you were in the third grade. Without even knowing it, you readily agree with the thought and before you know it you’re thinking things like, “I can’t look this person in the eye because he’s going to see how ugly I am,” or, “I can’t wear this outfit because it’s too good for me,” or “Let me wear this outfit to hide my ugliness.” From there, you’re thoughts go to all these different tangents all based on the fact that you’re ugly.

   Now, if you have a goal to find that special someone in your life, how successful can you be in achieving that if you’re caught up with habitual thought patterns like this?

   My answer would be: not successful at all.

   Hey, I’m no different, it’s just that I started to wake up to those habitual ways of thinking that were sabotaging my life, my success, my happiness and my peace of mind. What makes doing this even more challenging is that it’s difficult to notice the ways which we sabotage ourselves with our thinking because we’ve been doing it for so long that it’s just a “normal” part of us.

   When a thought would come up in my ego that I was a loser, by habit I spent time agreeing with that thought and responded by arranging my life as if I were a loser. I would mentally cut back on my goals, shrink back from doing certain things I wanted to do, and think about ways about how to live my life as a loser.

   When I thought of a dream or desire and my mind would suddenly respond with every past mistake I made since I was two years old as to reasons why I was unworthy of and unprepared for what I desired, I would respond by switching my mind away from focusing on what I wanted in life.

   Like an obedient little soldier, I responded by getting in line with everything I was told, even if they didn’t serve me. Also, though I was consciously investing time thinking negative thoughts about myself, it wasn’t aware that I was even doing it because it was such a normal way of thinking for me.

   This all started to change when I came back from Miami. Having built up so much momentum towards my goals, I started to view things differently and was looking at how to take my life to the next level.

   Knowing that we’re called upon to have faith, that we’re told not to worry about the future, I sought to acclimate my mind to these principles, so I began to randomly catch myself at any given time of the day completely and totally wrapped up in negative thinking that was totally opposite of the thoughts I should have to achieve the things I wanted in life.

   Disgusted, I would ask myself why in the hell would I be wasting time and energy thinking about things that weren’t doing me any good whatsoever and would interrupt the pattern by thinking a different thought.

   This wasn’t at all easy because since the habit of thinking this way was so ingrained in my head, it just felt so right to think this way that I felt compelled to do it. Many times, it was so tempting that I would just give in to that way of thinking. It wasn’t until another one of my mentors who writes the blog, Conduit of Healing, told me to incorporate regular deep breathing that I started to make headway and win the “battle” against my mind and its habits.

   It’s similar to what you would do if you were trying to break the habit of biting your fingernails. You start to become more aware of when you start to put your finger to your mouth and when you see yourself doing it, you immediately stop yourself and do something else.

   At first you may find it challenging because it happens so quick, but over time, things start to slow down and you’ll become more adept at catching yourself early enough to prevent yourself from biting your fingernails or doing whatever habit it is you’re trying to break.

   Discovering how to finally take back control of my mind has been a true blessing. Before I was aware of this I would sometimes spend days to weeks on end engaged in destructive thought patterns without being aware of it. This is how I sabotaged my success, my happiness, and my peace of mind.

   I couldn’t ever take or see the path of the Viable Alternative before because I was unaware of the Illusion that I was trapped in.

   It’s now becoming a daily occurrence that I discover some “new” negative thought habit that I previously wasn’t aware of where I’ve been sabotaging myself and blocking my success.

   As I pick off these negative thought patterns that I was habitually used to thinking one by one by bringing light to them, I take back a piece of my self esteem, my confidence, my well being, my uniqueness, my creativity, my motivation and my inspiration. Being unaware of how I was thinking before robbed me of all these things.

   Most importantly I’ve started to discover my true self which was hidden under all the noise of the mind that I was caught up in.

   The problem with most of us is that we’re asleep to what we’re thinking in many areas of our lives and are not even aware of it. We’re like machines running on automatic thinking the same way over and over again without even realizing how we’re robbing ourselves of our self esteem through the way we think.

   By becoming aware of your patterns of thinking with the understanding that you can actually change them to something more constructive, you can begin the process of taking back your self esteem.

   If you don’t get this area of your life handled, you will have little success in your efforts of self growth and gaining self esteem. Our habitual and unchecked thought patterns are like the thief that came to steal, kill and destroy.

   They’re like a top executive of a promising company who causes his company to turn a loss every quarter instead of an expected large profit because he siphons funds from the company’s account while other execs and shareholders are scratching their heads as to what is going on.

   They could also be likened to corrupt government officials or guerrilla soldiers in a war torn and famine ravaged country that take money and food donations sent from around the world to alleviate the suffering of the victims and use them for their own selfish purposes.

   They’re the unseen enemy that turns back any progress that we make. They’re the reason why after all these years of doing affirmations, visualizations, etc that you may be seeing little growth or improvement in your life.

   This was certainly the case with me. There were a number of years that I was supposed to be on the path of self improvement but wasn’t improving a damn bit. Simply put, because my unseen habitual thought patterns sabotaged any possible success I could’ve had, causing me to take two steps back just about every time I took one step forward.

   So I say, WAKE UP, and stop letting your ego bully you! 🙂

If you’ve been struggling with low self esteem, you’ve just read firsthand what has helped me improve my self-esteem so far after searching for answers for years. Low self esteem is just a result of living in the Illusion where you’re accustomed to believing in outright lies about who you are.

These steps can help you shed light on who you really are by exposing the Illusion of who you thought you were When you do this, you will gradually start to recognize your true self and be empowered to leave your unique footprint on this earth that you were meant to leave.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps.