The Viable Alternative

Some years ago, I was on the phone with a good friend of mine who was dating this girl he was very much in love with. Through this, and a succession of other conversations before this one we had about this girl and the problems they had in their relationship, it became glaringly apparent that this girl had a ton of baggage. She had been in an abusive marriage before and been through some other childhood trauma, and this was indirectly reflected in the problems the two of them were having.

After making the Captain Obvious statement that this woman had a lot of baggage, I asked him if she was getting any therapy for it, to which he implied, “No.” I then asked if she was open to going into therapy about what she had been through, and if memory serves me correctly, if his answer wasn’t “No,” it was pretty damn close.

I then suggested to him that if she had baggage and refused to deal with it, that he may want to SERIOUSLY evaluate their future together, because if she doesn’t deal with her baggage, her baggage is going to become HIS baggage.

Well, I would’ve loved to end this here by saying he took my advice, cut things off with the girl, and went off sailing into the golden yellow sunset on a pink unicorn with a ukulele playing in the background.

Nope. No such luck.

He threw himself head first directly into the fire and married her, and now, from the weight of his wife’s baggage on his shoulders, in addition to his own stuff, it’s a surprise that he doesn’t have any severe neck and back problems, and the marriage is falling apart at the seams, with him telling me that I was completely and totally right.

By the way, I tend to hear those words a lot from friends who refused to heed my warnings about their potential significant others.

Now, this is not to judge anyone or throw anyone under the bus because we ALL have baggage that can cause dysfunction in a relationship, presently company included. As a matter of fact, just look at some of the other blogs I shared on here to get a glimpse of my baggage. I’ve been a mess to such an extent that I can write a whole book about it. As inhabitants of planet Earth, you cannot NOT have baggage because we’ve all been hurt and lied to by others, mistreated by our parents, dealt with disappointment, rejection and pain, and in addition, as the impressionable kids we all once were, we’ve misinterpreted a lot of things that happened to and around us that have affected our self image negatively.

The question is not whether anyone has baggage, but how it comes out and how they deal with it. Some people do have baggage that does indeed cause problems in the relationships they get into, but with the right person, they’re able to create such a dynamic where even if and when issues come up, their baggage doesn’t tank the relationship and they’re able to move past the issues when they come up.

Others have baggage but due to personal responsibility, self evaluation and reflection, a willingness to learn from past mistakes, and in many cases, therapy, they gain an ability to navigate around their baggage so that if or when it comes up, they can proactively deal with it in such a way that doesn’t sabotage the relationship.

But then you have the people who are total bitches or douchebags because of their baggage and as such, are totally incapable of sustaining a healthy, whole, loving relationship, and if the relationship starts off “fine,” it’s only a matter of time before their baggage sinks the relationship. Such people are completely unaware of their baggage and just react, or if they are aware of their baggage, are too lazy, scared or irresponsible to do anything about it. If you point out to them their baggage that may be at the root of whatever relationship problems you’re having with them, they’ll go into flat out denial, become extremely defensive, may even curse you out, or point out some flaw you have that has nothing to do with the situation at hand and has the sole purpose of deflecting the attention away from them.

Signs of a person having baggage that will come to bite you on the arse is if the person was in an abusive relationship for a number of years or has a pattern of getting into abusive relationships, the person has a substance abuse problem, is in and out of jail, been divorced more than two times, has anger issues, was physically or sexually abused as a child, has a long history of infidelity, is a compulsive liar, can’t hold down a job, etc.

Like I said, if a person has dealt with such baggage that arises from these unfortunate instances or has caused them to find themselves in such instances, then sheesh, go right ahead in pursuing something long term with that person. That person will surely have a depth about them that will bring a lot of value to the relationship. On the other hand, if that person has not dealt with such baggage, either keep it casual with that person, or run at high speeds in the opposite direction, but please, for the love of God, DO NOT GET INTO A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH OR MARRY THAT PERSON, because their baggage will become your baggage, and your life will become a living hell.

…unless of course if you like drama, then ignore everything I said and go knock yourself out. 🙂

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love