The Viable Alternative

It’s funny when two people start dating, everyone is trying to be on their best behaviour because they don’t want to scare their new romantic interest away with their quirks, idiosyncrasies, neurotic behaviour, bad habits, past baggage or anything else they think may sour a “promising” beginning.

On top of that, because each person is so giddy about the whole prospect of having a romantic connection and the newness of the whole situation, they tend to idealize one another so that they tend to ignore, overlook or simply not even see any potential red flags that they see come up in the other person.

Hence the whole name, “the honeymoon phase” of the relationship.

But, I often wonder, what’s the use because although you can run, you can’t hide because the self is ALWAYS shining through.

What I mean is that before the veil falls off and you find out that your partner has $1,000 per week coke habit, or likes to have sex with all your “friends” behind your back and without your permission, or has this peculiar tendency of chasing you around with a knife when he or she is angry with you, or tends to hide in the bushes near your house to make sure you’re not cheating, or in less “severe” cases, has issues with intimacy or being too controlling, holding down a job, etc., the person was already giving away telltale signs about him or herself without even knowing it.

Here’s the thing, most people know what to be on their best behaviour about when they start dating someone new in terms of what they need to hide, pull back on or not reveal as of yet, but most have such little self awareness that they don’t realize that whatever behaviour they’re choosing not to show or reveal or are straight up hiding is just the tip of the iceberg. On a deeper level, they’re not aware of the deeper issues or factors that lead them to do or say things that directly point to that which they’re trying to hide.

In other words, people are unaware of most of what they’re doing most of the time, on top of that, they’re also unaware of the thinking or feelings that drive their behaiour, so there’s only so much that they can cover up while invariably doing other things that serve as clues to what they’re hiding.

This is how people miss all the red flags that their partner unknowingly gave off – they don’t realize that the self is always shining through.

Think about a turd in the middle of the room that is stinking up the whole place. I could get a flower pot to cover it and hide the smell, but even with that, the odour will still seep out and you’d still be able to smell something sour, albeit not as strong as before it was covered.

Or, think about the sun. Even though it may be cloudy or raining, the sky is still much brighter than it is at night because the sunlight is still shining through.

We all have trauma from our past which have produced fixed ways of being that pervade every area of our life. We also have suppressed emotions that we’re disconnected from within us that drive us to behave in certain ways, some of which include – self sabotage (this includes romantic relationships), substance abuse, compulsive spending, violence towards others, overeating, explosive rage, among a myriad of other things.

Thus, the person who has a porn addiction due to the fact that he was shamed about having sexual desires as a child by over religious parents and uses porn as a way to act out may hide his porn habit from you, but he will display other behaviours like an over objectification of women, erectile dysfunction, or fear of intimacy that point to his porn addiction and have roots from childhood.

The woman who goes psycho when she gets angry due to deeply suppressed anger towards her father that she never acknowledged because she idealized him even though he was a douchebag may learn to hide her anger from her new man, but when you hear her talk about past relationships, you see how they ALL ended badly or you hear her regularly talk with pride at the grown ass age of 35 how she beat this girl up and that girl up for disrespecting her.

I remember being on a date with a girl almost five years ago and her asking me the last time I was in a relationship. I told her I hadn’t been in a committed relationship since I was in college (years ago) and how it was a conscious choice of mine not to do so until I started going to therapy around that time. She remarked to me that that was a “red flag” and I completely agreed with her. I could’ve tried to hide it, but really my other behaviours would’ve in one way or another indicated the commitment issues I had.

The self shining through doesn’t only go for bad habits or dysfunctional behaviour. It also goes for the desires of our heart. You can try to hide your desires or proclivities from your partner due to fear of judgment, but at the end of the day, the artist is going to express his creativity in some way, the singer is going to find a way to sing, the spiritual person is going to be spiritual.

No matter where or how fast you run, you can’t hide because the self is always shining through.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps.

Ike Love