The Viable Alternative

I remember several years ago, I was having a three-way phone conversation with a friend of mine and a woman he had started dating. Both of us had known her for a very long time and in this conversation, she was catching me up on the going-ons of her life over the past several years I hadn’t seen nor heard from or about her.

One of the things we talked about was her dating life. She mentioned that after the last debacle dude she dated (one of many in a long, long succession), she decided to take a break from dating to take some time to herself and to put a stop to the vicious cycle of dating dysfunctional men. From what I gathered, she was implying that the time she spend alone put her in a better place to have a fully healthy relationship.

Now, I had and will always have love for this woman. I always found her to be a very insightful, caring and strong woman, but in the upcoming months and years, I was to find out that this “time alone” that she spent did absolutely nothing to quell any of the issues she had in the past that created these dysfunctional romantic relationships, because I saw her creating drama of her own with my friend.

So, this begs the question when people proclaim that they’re going to take time to themselves after getting out of an extremely dysfunctional relationship that rocked their world or one of many of a long string of relationships with varying levels of psychosis, what does taking time to yourself REALLY mean?

I ask this because because I’ve found that when men and women make this proclamation, they act as if staying away from dating and relationships will somehow magically fix the issues they had that caused them to attract the type of relationships they got into in the first place, only to find out after their hiatus, they’re right back at where they left off.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s VERY important that after a person gets out of a relationship, he or she needs to spend some time alone to heal, reconnect to themselves, reflect on where they went wrong and what they could’ve done better in the previous relationship, and think about the type of person that would be good for them in the future, rather than just unilaterally jump into the next relationship because they’re afraid to be by themselves. In fact, it even becomes more important to do all this if they find that they can’t be alone.

The thing is, do people even do what I mentioned earlier when they’re taking time to themselves, or are they simply just removing themselves from dating situations and in effect, putting a band-aid on a deeper issue? Is their time spent blaming the other person for all the wrongs that he or she heaped on them or are they looking at ways they were responsible for attracting such a person? Are they taking the time to become more whole or is their time spent on beating themselves up endlessly over how the last relationship went? Do they even know how to become more whole? Do they even know how to properly heal from their past relationship(s)? Do they know how to properly deal with their issues so they don’t attract the same type of dysfunctional people or relationships they got in the past? Are they taking the time to find out what a whole, healthy, loving relationship looks like and whether truly, if they’re capable of creating one in the future as the person they currently are? Are they taking the time to find out what a whole, emotionally, mentally and spiritually healthy partner looks like? When and if they figure that out, can they HONESTLY admit to themselves whether they can attract such a person as they are now?

Well, from what I’ve witnessed, when most people say they’re “taking a break from men” or “leaving the ladies alone for awhile,” they’re doing just that without making any changes that would ensure that they don’t repeat their past mistakes and enable them to attract better in the future.

I remember some years back dating a woman with whom it didn’t end well because she wanted to be in a committed relationship and I didn’t. While we were dating, she told me that in the past, she would push for exclusivity with men she got involved with, and after the man would acquiesce, she would suddenly get the urge to cheat, but she wasn’t like that anymore. Looking back at what she told me, my question to her would’ve been, was she confusing this urge not showing up because she hadn’t been in a relationship in a long time with her actually overcoming the urge due to some internal changes made after getting to the root of the issue? I think many people confuse the two.

I also remember over ten years ago hanging out with a childhood friend of mine who had broken up with his girlfriend because she snooped through his online address book while he wasn’t home and him telling me that he got back together with her. When he told me this, I asked him what was different about her now from before that would ensure that whatever issue she had that caused their breakup won’t rear its ugly head again. To this, he flipped out on me and went on a tirade about how I, as the serial bachelor, didn’t know what the hell I was talking about, but lo and behold, around a month later, they broke up for good over guess what?…..her insecurity.

In order for us to receive better in life, we have to do better, and to do better, we have to be better. To be better involves taking responsibility over the future we want for ourselves by opening our eyes to how we were a cause of the results we got in the past and taking proactive steps to deal with those issues rather than just wishing them away. This may even involve the help of a therapist or counselor for help with making the necessary changes. Whatever the case, things won’t change until you ACTUALLY do.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love