The Viable Alternative

So finally, June of 2014, after years of thinking that no idiot therapist could know better than me about me, I walked into a therapist’s office after setting up an appointment, having already had resolved within that I couldn’t overcome myself by myself.

My pipe dream was that I would walk in, receive a couple of life altering insights accompanied by paradigm shifting bodywork to release those stuck emotions that were holding me back, and then I’d be on my merry own way to make tons of money and have anxiety-less relationships with the women I was involved with never having to walk into a therapist’s office again.

Unfortunately for me at the time, that was not the case.

I did receive some “life changing insights,” but they were nothing that were of immediate use to me at the time I received them.

When I explained to him the struggles I had with earning enough money and success, coupled with the negative influence my father had on my self-image while I was growing up, his damning conclusion was that for my entire life, I had a secret agreement with my father to play “small” for him and never get bigger than him in order to protect him, and in return, I would get his love and approval.

He said the continuous message I got from him was “Work hard and be like me, but don’t be bigger than me,” and the way my life looked reflected that.

Let’s just say that not only did I not get or agree with his conclusion, but all I could think was, “Yea, yea, yea….let’s get to the insights and the bodywork that would free me to make me some damn money and overcome my anxieties. I don’t have the money nor the time to devote to going to all these sessions so let’s solve this like YESTERDAY.”

To further my dismay, I was told by my therapist that everything I was explaining to him was just a “story” meant to cover the deep emotions that were causing the issues I was having, and that therapy is a process that involved a gradual peeling off of layers until I got to these core emotions I was using to create the life as I knew it.

So this was actually going to take more than one session? Oh joy!

So the process began.

Week after week I went, and within each of these sessions, there was tears emanating from the sadness I kept pent up within me all these years, there were the spontaneous bursts of laughter that signified the release of the tension I held within my body, there was the hitting of pillows to let go of the deep seated anger I held within, there were also the feelings of vibrancy and “aliveness” I experienced that signified me reclaiming another part of my true, core self that had imprisoned all these years.

There was also me learning to separate the different negative voices in my head so I can find a space for me. There was the bodywork that served to help me release the stuck emotions inside my body and to also help me to finally start being grounded.

Coupled with all this came an increasing amount of clarity and insight.

Then it happened, after a little over a year since starting therapy, last July to be exact, I actually started to see real time how I was playing small for my father just like my therapist had originally said.

I started noticing how every time I’d hear a negative, disparaging voice in my head that instead of dismissing it, I felt compelled to listen to it because if I didn’t, I felt I was betraying my father.

I started noticing in my daily being, the unconscious effort I made to “stay in my lane” and not get too big for my britches. This was exhibited by my intense self monitoring to ensure that during the times I felt self confident and good about myself, whether, according to my father’s standards instilled in me when I was younger, I had the right to feel this way. More often than not, I didn’t, because according to the insane rules in my head, I hadn’t worked hard enough for it.

I also started noticing when I would start to feel successful or things were seemingly looking up for me, I felt this guilt that I didn’t deserve it because they had come too easy, and thus, my father wouldn’t approve. I would then feel compelled to quash such feelings or make things harder for myself in order to get back into my “place.”

In addition, I started noticing how when I felt free and spontaneous, I felt this fear (and again, guilt) that I was going to make a mistake and thus be smacked down and put in my place, and as such, would squeeze and tense myself up to quell any feeling of freedom.

So whaddaya know, my therapist was right. This was why success always seemed to elude me.

As the sessions rolled on week by week and more digging was done and layers were peeled, something started to become glaring evident to me in my life. As I dealt with all my financial issues and succumb to my mental blocks, I noticed this great feeling of contentment and satisfaction within me. It was the same feeling I had when I experienced financial disappointment after financial disappointment which included real estate deals falling through over and over again.

I had noticed these feelings before, a year or two earlier, but it was only now I had the self awareness and emotional maturity to pay heed to these feelings and look to where they came from.

After some introspection, I realized that these feelings of contentment and happiness came from the fact that deep down inside, all the setbacks, hindrances, self-sabotage, disappointments, living far below my potential and scarcity that reflected my life illustrated that I was being “loyal” to my father by working hard like him but staying smaller than him.

These feelings meant that I had accomplished my “goal.” Despite the fact that my goal was of no benefit to me in this day and age, to the inner child, it meant that I was now worthy of my father’s approval and love.

With this new insight, I am able to now perceive why I’ve been so resistant to really stepping out of my box, letting go of all my negative beliefs and being the big being that I was created to be. It’s due to the fact that I took pride in proving him right and living up to all the horrible things he told me as a child, such as me being “stupid and useless.”

It’s funny how I have been unconsciously been using this core emotion buried deep within me to create my life (I’m sure there are more, but I haven’t identified them yet).

Now I see the wisdom of what my therapist had told me from the very first day that everything else in my head was a story and it was my core emotions buried within that were running the show.

We all know that when we’re in a good mood, i.e. “feeling good,” we tend to behave and perceive things differently than when we’re in a bad mood.

Remember when our parents came home from work in a bad mood they may beat us for doing something they’d easily overlook had they come home in a good mood?

We somehow knew the way they reacted to us was due to their moods.

Right or wrong, emotions and the intent behind them have a huge influence on how or what we create.

So think about those CORE emotions from childhood that we’re completely unaware of. We feel them on a completely unconscious level yet we use them to create our entire lives.

So this is why I had so many problems getting ahead huh?

The work now for me is to continue to become conscious not only my core feelings that control me, but also become conscious to the ways I’ve been reacting to them so I’m no longer a victim to them.

Then, I need to realize that the “threat” that caused me to create the protection mechanisms I used as a child no longer exists, and I need to start the process of learning how to give to my own self what I needed but didn’t get from my father as a child.

This is how I heal from my past and give myself a space to create the life I truly deserve.

In fact, connecting to our core emotions and releasing them is how we ALL can be free.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love