Guess What???? I’m FINALLY Happy….
After all these years of internal struggle and toil, I’ve finally come to a place where I can say I am actually happy. Is it because anything changed on the outside? Do I have more money? Do I have more success? Have I been able to garner more toys?
The answer is no to all these things.
The reason that I am happy is because of things that shifted on the inside.
Back in the mid 2000s, I was stuck in a mental and spiritual hell that was my mind. It was as if an alien entity had taken over my mind. I couldn’t think straight. I lost the ability to act spontaneously. Many times when I would talk to people, I had to have some things I prepared to say beforehand because I lost the ability to converse with people in the moment. Included with this casualty was my ability to talk on the phone with women (as well as face to face), which had been before that one of my prized gifts. Before this, all I had to do was meet a woman somewhere, get her number, and I knew if I could get her on the phone, it was all over. Now, with this “glitch in my mind,” me getting a woman on the phone was bound to be the death knell of any further interaction I had with her, as I was so stilted and nervous I would wind up making her feel uncomfortable.
On top of that, strange thoughts would come up in my mind telling me all sorts of terrible things about myself. It wasn’t like I was hearing voices in my head like a schizophrenic, but I would get a lot of negative thoughts about the type of person I was and the terrible things I “might” do that I would normally never think of doing. Being that I thought me and my mind were one in the same, I would spend hours, sometimes days in my head trying to disprove these thoughts so that I would feel comfortable I was a normal person.
I knew something was off and I read tons of books to try to see if I could escape this terrible mental and spiritual hell but nothing worked. During this period, I didn’t wish for money or fame, all I truly wanted was a full grasp of my mind so that I could fully express myself and be able to create the life I wanted for myself.
This mental hell I lived in was so unbearably stifling, I wanted to sometimes kill myself. It was as if I had lost myself and didn’t know how to get myself back. I would look at all these people who seemed to be fully self expressed, and I would envy them for their freedom of self expression.
Finally, 2009 came around, and I went through some INTENSE spiritual cleansing and deliverance, where I had ministers pray over me day in and day out over a period of approximately 6 weeks. That overall experience began to open me up, clear my mind with its blocks, and give me my sense of self back. After that experience, it was as if I was let out of jail and put on probation. My dating life gradually began to return back to normal and I would look back at my dark days in the belly of the beast incredulous about how blessed I was to be free.
From 2009, I had three more years of spiritual cleansing, where I would feel freer and freer over the course of that time. I remember that it was finally, in 2012, that I had this one final deliverance where I literally felt something shift within me. A few days later, I was talking to a woman on the phone I had met quite recently, and I noticed, that finally, after all these years, I was casually talking to her on the phone like nothing, the way I used to do. No anxiety. No second guessing. No getting trapped in my head, just an enjoyable conversation.
I took note of that and knew, that I had regained a big part of myself that I hadn’t experienced for years.
However, as I was to find out, I still had issues. I still had blocks in regards to money and success. I still would get these uncontrollable bouts of anxiety where at times I couldn’t think straight. And yes, sometimes, I would still get trapped up in my head, though thankfully it wasn’t nearly as bad as it was before I had my spiritual cleansing.
I still felt that though I had a lot more of myself than I had in years, I was still missing aspects of myself. I was still detached from the part of myself that was able to attract wealth and success. I was detached from the part of me that could attract things into my life. In a way, creatively, I felt impotent. Like I couldn’t “seed” into the spirit to bring things into physical manifestation the way an impotent man can’t make babies with a woman. I lacked that ability as a man to create a life for myself because I was disconnected from that aspect of myself.
This left me still with an inherent dissatisfaction and indeed sadness. My wish, the same way a barren woman yearns for children, was for me to connect to that fire within that could make things happen for myself in a way that I could enjoy the satisfaction a man feels when he’s able to witness the fruits of his labour. Instead, I was always that guy who everybody saw as intelligent, articulate and hardworking but at the same time were baffled at because I had nothing to show for it.
At last, after much seeking and toiling, God directed me to start therapy, or body oriented therapy to be exact. It was with this, I began the next phase of my journey that is still going on. Through the weeks, months and years, I connected to and released dark hidden emotions, began the healing process from traumas from childhood, peeling off layer after layer to uncover my true self, and in the process found things out about myself that I hitherto didn’t know or wasn’t aware of. Through this all, I gradually become more grounded, centered and integrated.
Then, it started to happen…..
At the beginning of this year, 2017, as a result of all the consistent healing, I started to connect to my heart again. With that connection came the connection to all my joys, passions, desires and dreams. Not that I didn’t have dreams and desires before, but this time the connection was not just mental but emotional. With that came the urge to act on these desires, and with my acting on them, I started to see things come into fruition that reflected my desires.
As a result, things are no longer a toil, but I instead feel I am part of an effortless flow. People are making themselves known to me that are opening doors of opportunity for me. Circumstances accommodate themselves to my desires, and ideas are dropping into my head that are helping me get to the next level. Coupled with all that, I experience a multitude of ongoing synchronicities that let me know I am in alignment with God and His Universe.
Also, despite what my circumstances may look like, I no longer let them dictate to me. I know that I’m wealthy and prosperous not by what I have in my bank account, but what I see for myself spiritually. I refuse to let my circumstances dictate to me, knowing that what I see in the spirit will eventually be, because I can create the life that I want to live by FAITH, calling and seeing things that are not as if they were. My days are now spent aligning myself to the vision I have for my life as if it already was, and each day, the vision gets stronger and bigger as I get more insights.
I have finally come to a place where I can say I’m happy because I feel I’m part of that “flow” that allows things to come to me. I feel as if God is working with me not against me. I feel virile, as if I can now finally go ahead and create all that I wanted to create. I feel as if all the things that I wanted on the outside I now grasped internally by Faith and will come in their due time in the physical realm. l look at the people who are considered great and on a DEEP level that goes beyond just a mental understanding that that can truly be me as well.
If you had asked me what I truly wanted in ife back in say, 2003 in my darkest days, I would’ve answered that I just wanted to be in the place where I am now. Funny, looking back to when I had my spiritual cleansing back in 2009 that initially freed me, I think to myself that if I had to go back to the mindset that I had then, I’d jump off a bridge. That’show far I feel I’ve come in my journey.
When all is said and done, I feel as if I FINALLY have ME, and I’m happy about that.
This is The Viable Alternative.
Hope this helps,
Ike Love
