The Viable Alternative

I’ve told this story in another blog of mine titled M.A.R.R.I.A.G.E. – Has society sold us a lie?, but it bears repeating for the sake of this blog.

Years ago, I met this Korean guy who had just started work at my office (well, he was born here but his parents were born in Korea).

In a conversation I overheard between him and another co-worker, he was telling him how he didn’t believe in interracial relationships and that he was going to marry someone from his own culture. In fact, his current girlfriend was from Korea as well.

Fair enough.

The thing was, he would constantly brag and talk about this “hot” Spanish girl that he hooked up with in college, and how great she was.

Over the course of the next two years, he got engaged to the girl he was with and they set a wedding date. The day before his wedding, he was strutting around the office bragging about his “big” day, and one of the co-workers asked him if he was marrying a Spanish girl. To this, he face lit up and he immediately answered, “Dude, don’t you think if I was marrying a Spanish girl, you’d see a BIG smile on my face?”

Upon hearing his answer, I think to myself “Whoa!” and turn and ask him, “Bro, if marrying a Spanish girl is what would put a big smile on your face, then why aren’t you marrying THAT?”

To this, he had no answer, but it was quite obvious that the woman he was marrying wasn’t putting a “BIG” smile on his face.

It became painfully obvious that this guy was settling. His whole spiel about not believing in interracial relationships was most likely a bunch of nonsense fed to him by his family and his community, and he was doing what they expected to do rather than follow the urging of his heart.

I actually felt sorry for this guy because I couldn’t imagine walking down the aisle and living the rest of my life who didn’t put a big smile on my face. Not that someone else is responsible for my happiness, I’m responsible for that, but in the least you should be able to smile at the decision you made.

A few years ago, I met a girl on this dating site, OkCupid. She was half Puerto Rican and half something else (another Spanish Speaking country). When we met up, we had a good time, and it was very apparent that she was really into me, and because she had already started throwing the “girlfriend vibes” at me, I knew that if I wanted, I could have her as a girlfriend within a very short time. The thing was, though she was a really sweet girl, I really wasn’t feeling her that way. I felt her energy didn’t really mesh with mine.

When I went home, I tried to justify to myself why I should pursue things further with her, but every time I did, I just felt weird and off. I got the uncomfortable feeling you get when you try to force yourself into something. Within the next day or two, she sends me a text telling me how much she liked me, how into me she was and how much chemistry she felt we had. Not wanting to be THAT GUY who misleads women and gives them false hopes, I straight up tell her that I thought she was really great but I wasn’t looking for a long term commitment with her. She told me she understood, and kinda figured that.

For the rest of that day, I was still trying to justify to myself why maybe I should explore the option of having something more long term with her, but to me it just felt like a lie I was trying to put on, and it just made me feel stifled and uncomfortable.

The funny thing is, the next morning when I woke up, I felt a bit different. I started to feel that maybe I could actually make something with this girl work, after all, she was into me and that counted for something. She was also very nice and that counted for something as well.

But then, it dawned on me. When you settle for anything in life, you’re denying your true self by suppressing the very nature of who you are. In order to be able to live with yourself you have to justify it with a lie. (I’m sorry, protest all you want, but any justification of not living the truth is a LIE).

When you settle for a lie (giving up your dreams, bad marriage, bad/wrong relationship, etc.), there are “good” days and bad days. During those bad days, the lie is so apparent and palpable that no justification can ease your misery, and during those “good” days, you somehow manage to justify your lie by convincing yourself you made the right decision and are able achieve a “semblance” of happiness. But really, how happy can one TRULY be when everything is based on a lie?

Upon realizing this, I immediately dropped anymore of the nonsensical thinking I was entertaining and went on with my day.

One of the principles of The Viable Alternative is:

NEVER, EVER SETTLE for ANYTHING in life. See yourself as the best that deserves the best.

People settle ALL THE TIME with someone because either they’re too lazy to find someone better (i.e they’re “comfortable”), they don’t think they deserve or can get what they really want, they don’t know that there’s anything better out there, they’re afraid of being alone, or they’re afraid of what other people would think.

Com’on people, how sad is that?

There are guys out there who settle for fat girls though what TRULY knocks their socks off is someone who is healthy and fit lBTW, there’s nothing wrong with fat people. There’s something wrong when with choosing to be with someone out of a belief that you don’t deserve to be with someone you really want).

There are Indian guys out there who are naturally drawn to Spanish girls but settle for an Indian girl because that’s what their family expects them to do and what everyone else around them does. (Once again, there’s nothing wrong with Indian girls, but ANY one you choose to be with that reflects the desires of others and not your own is the wrong choice).

There are women who stay in abusive relationships because although they know it’s wrong for their man to be putting their hands on them, they reason that the devil they know is better than the devil they don’t know, and stay with what’s “comfortable” rather than go after something that’s really good for them.

There are couples right now in miserable or mediocre (two of the same thing in my eyes) marriages because when they were dating and living together, their Pastor told them it was sinful for them to be living with one another without being married, and so they chose to go ahead and get married. Now being a member of a particular religion and wanting to follow its rules is one thing, but feeling “forced” to marry someone you knew deep down wasn’t right for you because in actuality you either didn’t want to go through the “inconvenience” of breaking up, or because you were afraid of following your heart is SETTLING.

There are many men and women out there with someone not because they’re passionate about the person, not because the person is their first choice, not because the person represents their “ideal'” partner, but because they don’t want to be alone, and as a result they’re both bored out of their skulls, just going through the motions together, living lives of quiet desperation.

There are men out there whose lives are a living hell because though the women they’re with are psychopaths, they’re so enthralled by their beauty they’re afraid to leave because they don’t think they’ll be able to find another woman as good looking who’d be willing to date them.

One of keys to happiness in life is to do things that honour who YOU are. When I say “you,” I mean the core of who you are and not your ego. Choosing to be with someone long term SOLELY because of either their looks, size of their bank account, social status, income, ethnicity is not honouring YOU, rather it’s an attempt to gratify your ego.

When you choose to gratify your ego, the feelings of “satisfaction” you get are short lived, and sooner or later you wind up looking for something else to fill your need, and then for something else, and then for something else …it’ll never end and it’ll never bring you happiness. Your ego comes from a place that says it’s not good enough and needs someone or something from the outside to compensate for what it lacks, so nothing will ever satisfy it.

Why settle for that when there’s something so much better?

When you’re so focused on satisfying our ego, you ignore the urging of your soul. Feeding the core of who we are is where true happiness comes.

When you listen to your heart, you make choices that reflect and help stoke the passion that already lies within you. Choices coming from your heart add to your happiness rather than detract from it. They inspire you to give and share the best parts of yourself at a whole different level. They’re not done in attempt to make you whole but rather are an expression of your wholeness. In addition, they’re not an expression of fear that you’re not good enough but rather a love and a respect for who you really are.

No matter the combination of a particular nationality, race, religion, colour, height, size, personality, demeanour, temperament, interests, facial features, lifestyle, body shape, chemistry, and the litany of other factors that make up an individual, you should be choosing what you think is the best for YOU that makes your heart sing and knocks your socks off, fully believing that you deserve the best for yourself because you are indeed are worthy of being with such a person.

Anyone that falls short of that is settling, and if you’re prone to doing that, you may want to reflect and take stock of your personal beliefs, outlook and perceptions of yourself and life that cause you to make choices that don’t reflect what your heart truly wants.

In no way in life should you EVER be settling for ANYTHING. You can believe that!

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love