The Viable Alternative

I personally believe that anger has gotten a bad rap because it is a very misunderstood emotion.

We often associate it with someone who is violent, crazy or has an explosive temper such that people have to walk on egg shells around him. When we hear stories on the news of domestic violence, mass shootings, or homicides, our minds often associate the people who perpetuate such crimes with an extreme amounts of anger.

On top of that, due to the way society is today, we have gender specific shaming around anger. If you’re a male and you happen to express any hint of anger, you may be shamed for exhibiting “toxic masculinity,” or being a bully or scary, or being at the mercy of your male testosterone. If you’re a female, you may be shamed for being unladylike, over emotional, bipolar or a psycho-bitch….lol

In my case, I remember when I was growing up, at times when I would express my displeasure about something that was unjust, even if my behaviour was controlled and not flying off the handle, my mother would accuse me of being loud, out of control and having a temper just like my father.

Thus, we’re left with a whole bunch of people, present company included, who’ve learned to feel guilty whenever they’re angry and thus suppress it out of fear of being shamed for it.

Lemme tell you, this is some ol’ b.s.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are DEFINITELY some people who have some SEVERE anger issues. Such people are at the mercy of their anger and let their anger drive them to do all sorts of things that are destructive to themselves and others. Beyond seeing such cases on the news or reading about them on news sites on the internet, I’m sure you know of at least one or two people who fit this profile in your own life.

It is NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER good to be controlled by your anger.

However, after seeing many cases of people who are controlled by their anger and not wanting to be that way, many people resort to suppressing their anger altogether so that they don’t feel it. The problem is that suppressing the feeling of anger doesn’t magically make it disappear. Because the anger is still there in our bodies, it still drives the person’s behaviour on a unconscious level, causing him to “act in” or “act out.” When he acts in, he’s driven to do self destructive things, and when he acts out, he’s driven to do things that are destructive to others. In addition, the suppressed anger becomes like a pressure cooker that occasionally erupts in the form of emotional outbursts that seemingly come out of nowhere or under the slightest provocation. Not to mention, emotional suppression causes all types of illnesses due to the blocked flow of energy in the body.

This is why it is also not good to hold onto your anger as a badge of honour because it gives you a feeling of power and identity. You’re still holding onto it and not releasing it. It reminds me of the way I was when I was younger.

Energy, including anger, is meant to be expressed not suppressed.

Anger is a natural signal that notifies us that someone has crossed our boundaries or someone around us is being treated unfairly. It is meant to drive us to address these instances when they come up so we can protect ourselves and those we care about. The problem is that due to bullying we received from adults as children, and the shaming from society that I mentioned earlier, we become afraid to express our anger or lose touch with it altogether such that we become afraid to speak up for ourselves or in extreme cases, wind up being complete doormats to others.

The key to anger is feeling it and giving it an outlet by learning how to express it in a healthy way that’s appropriate to the situation at hand.

This means that if someone says something to you that’s offensive, you don’t have to go and try to knock his or her head off, but you can express to them that you didn’t like what he or she said. This also means that if you’re dating someone, and he or she crossed a boundary, you don’t have to put on a wife beater and lay the smackdown, or say hurtful things about their mother, rather you can firmly tell the person that he or she crossed a boundary and not to do it again, or, if you feel that the anger you feel is too overwhelming, you can leave the situation and go for a walk or a run, hit the gym, or hit the heavy bag with gloves to let out your frustration.

Also, in cases where you have a lot of suppressed anger from situations in which you were shamed or bullied into suppressing it, you MUST give that anger an outlet or it will continue to fester in you. If the anger comes from something a parent, teacher, caretaker or some adult said or did to you when you were small that you obviously couldn’t fully express back then, you have the complete right to let it out now! Now, THIS DOES NOT MEAN actually getting on the phone or driving over to your parents house to curse them out, rather, it means getting out a journal, or saying out loud by yourself in a comfortable, private location everything you wish you could’ve said back then but couldn’t.

You can do the same for instances where acquaintances, colleagues, friends, bullies, past classmates, etc crossed boundaries in the past that you never allowed yourself to express anger about.

Anger is a natural, healthy emotion which, when expressed in a HEALTHY way, can be very healing and can also drive you to do great things, so embrace it, feel it, and express it without shame or guilt.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love