The Viable Alternative

So, several years back, when I was dating this same woman I had mentioned in a previous post about there being a “third option” between the nice guy and the bad boy, her and I were driving to a barbecue out in Jersey one Memorial Day Weekend and, at a pit stop somewhere, wound up getting into a heated discussion.

Well, when I say “heated,” it was more coming from her, I was pretty calm.

The dissension started because she, who was Puerto Rican, started, out of left field, talking bad about Dominicans, making gross generalizations about them the way some Puerto Ricans (and other Latinos) have been known to do (if you grew up around them or are one of them, you know what I’m talking about). To each quip she’d make, my response was either to make an opposing remark refuting her allegations, or tell her that she was completely generalizing because what she was saying I’ve heard the same thing said about her own group, Puerto Ricans, by other Latinos.

This of course did not help. Instead, it got her more and more riled up and emotional. As I saw her getting more emotional, my inner voice said, “Man, this ain’t about Dominicans, you just still embarrassed about that Dominican guy you dated after you left your husband who was WAY below your league, and this is your way of venting.” Thankfully, at that point of my life, I had matured enough to know to not say something stupid like that, even though it was the truth. Had I been in my late teens or early 20s, I would’ve STUPIDLY sang that sentence like a canary as raw and brutally honest as possible, making things a WHOLE lot worse.

As the back and forth continued, at a certain point, she stops and says to me, “This is a VERY sensitive subject for me, especially when it comes to my culture.” At that point, resisting the urge to say, “No kidding,” I instead paused, took a step back, and reiterated to her everything that she said until she knew that I got what she was talking about. I then, within the context of that understanding, reiterated my points, and, like magic, the tension in the air vanished, and we continued on our way to the barbecue where we had a great time.

That night, on our way back from the barbecue, while she was driving, she turns to me and says, “You know, I wanna thank you for something.” Confused and curious, I say, “Oh? What is that?” She then says, “I wanna thank you for making me feel heard earlier on.” She then continued, “Okay, I will admit, I was being kinda ridiculous, but you didn’t try to make me feel like I was crazy.” She then went on to explain that if it been that Dominican guy she was dating (the one the whole rant was REALLY about), he would’ve made her feel like she was crazy and said, “B*tch, why you tripping?” Her ex husband on the other hand, would’ve folded like a cheap suit and said, “Yea honey, you’re right,” even though he didn’t really agree with her. She further explained, “You did neither. You made me feel heard but you stood your ground.” I then told her, “Well hey, I’ve learned, it’s not about being ‘right,’ it’s about understanding one another.”

Now please give me no credit for being some enlightened guy. I’ve been a COMPLETE moron in the past, where the combination of my sarcasm, rudeness, lack of tact, insecurity, and having little to no filter of my youth mixed in with an insecure and emotional woman resulted in a lot of hurt feelings. So, I’d like to think that somewhere along the line, I matured somewhat and learned something from my past mistakes. A few years earlier, I had downloaded and watched a program called, “Become Mr. Right,” and one of subjects it covered was conflict resolution, which I was able to take and use in this situation.

We dudes, for the most part, have a tendency to be logical, and women, for the most part, tend to be emotional. Yes, I know there are exceptions but I’m not talking about that here. Anyway, when a man gets into an argument with his woman where the woman is being emotional, it is our tendency as men to use our logic to try to show the woman why she’s being unreasonable which often comes across to them as, “Let me show you how you’re being crazy right now.” Even if the man winds up being “right,” there is a lingering resentment because the woman never felt heard or understood, and over time that resentment erodes the intimacy in the relationship (could be a reason why men complain that the sex dries up in the relationship and she is never “in the mood”). What I’ve learned firsthand from this situation is that a woman wants a man to stand up for what he believes in WHILE making her feel heard and understood. Bludgeoning her over the head with logic to make her look stupid makes a man an a**hole (e.g. the Dominican Dude), and crumbling under pressure and apologetically acquiescing to her opinion even though he doesn’t agree makes him look like a word that winds with “wussy” and she’ll start to lose respect for him (e.g. her ex husband) – FYI, another reason why the sex dries up. However, the third way – being in integrity to who you are while being open to understanding her point of view makes you a MAN.

Also, I’m probably the last guy to be giving relationship advice. Most of the time I have problems relating to my own damn self. I also vacillate between wanting a committed to be a stable, married man with a family and and my juvenile fantasy of an international harem of women with kids around the world (that I of course support and take care of) so what do I know? Commitment issues much?

In any case, I’d like to think there is some value that I can provide some value in this area

Oh and BTW, in defense of the woman in this story, she was NOT bigoted against Dominicans. There were many Dominicans she knew that she loved and respected. She’s an amazing person who just happens to be human like the rest of us, and as humans, we ALL have our moments.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love