Misplaced Anger – Who Are You REALLY Pissed Off At?
I had a profound insight the other day.
About two weeks ago, I had gotten news from a friend that he had weakly buckled and given yet another chance to a deadbeat girlfriend he had dumped only a few days earlier who had consistently proven that she wasn’t interested in getting her act together and was adding absolutely nothing to his life accept for sex.
Let’s just say I wasn’t pleased to hear the news. In fact I was quite pissed. I was so pissed I texted a friend of mine to vent, because I felt if I didn’t do that, I would’ve gone to my friend’s house to punch him in his face.
This dude had consistently complained about this girl and how he wanted to get rid of her, how she was a drain, how she had a boatload of issues, etc, etc.
When he had dumped her for the umpteenth time, he assured me he was done for good this time and he felt a big weight lifted off his shoulders, and that now it was time to focus on him and enjoy being free.
All this only to fold and take her back. What a joke.
Excuse my sentiment, but weak behaviour pisses me off. Weak behaviour includes settling in life because you’re too afraid to step out of your comfort zone, you’re too afraid to take a stand for your own well being, you’re too afraid to face your own issues, you’re too afraid to go after what you really want, or you’re too afraid to deal with the truth.
I hate it when I see it in myself and I hate it when I see it in others.
Anyway, as I was fuming, I was simultaneously doing an exercise from a book I’m reading called the Emotionally Unavailable Man, by Patti Henry. In fact I was in the middle of doing this exercise when I had received the news that rankled me.
The exercise involved writing an undelivered letter to a caretaker that raised you from childhood, whether it be your birth parents, an aunt or uncle, one or both or your grandparents, legal guardian, whatever.
The point of the exercise was to empty all your resentments, grievances, and complaints towards your primary caretakers so that you can access the emotional pain you have buried deep within you with the intention of re-establishing a connection with your emotions and thus allowing for emotional healing.
The first person I had chosen to write this letter to was my mother. As I was pouring out my resentments towards her on paper, and wrestling with the anger towards my friend, it suddenly dawned on me, that the reason I was so pissed off at my friend and anyone who had displayed behaviour similar to his was because he reminded me of my mother.
BAM!
Growing up, I had always resented my mother for consistently choosing complacency rather than standing up and fighting for something better, her always being willing to settle for mediocrity or less than, the many times she didn’t keep her word, and her refusal to confront adversity.
What was enraging about this growing up was the fact that since I was under her authority, there were many things that I wanted to do but couldn’t because either I was explicitly forbidden by her or that I needed her to do but couldn’t because she flat out refused due to this very mindset she had of fear, complacency and refusing to step out of her comfort zone. This made me feel so trapped, stifled and frustrated as a child.
This backdrop created the context of why I was so angry at my friend and showed me that my anger was about my mother, not my friend. My friend’s situation really only was a trigger to the deeper resentment I had towards my mother.
Upon realizing this, the anger I had towards my friend disappeared and was replaced with pity.
Also, I now had a clearer picture of what was the underlying motivation behind my emotions, thoughts and actions which gave me a greater awareness about myself. It refocused my resentment to the source, which now allows me the opportunity to heal from it and strike another blow to my “Mommy issues.”
If you ever find your feathers being ruffled a bit too much by a particular person or situation, look beyond the person or situation to people or situations way in your past that remind you of the current situation that’s bothering you. Those people in the past (probably your parents), or those past situations hold the key to what’s driving your thoughts, behaviours and emotions and provide the context to how you see and react to things in life.
Discovering this will give you a chance to heal from the resulting emotional wounds caused by such people or situations so you can uncover and recover your personal power.
This is The Viable Alternative.
Hope this helps,
Ike Love
