The Viable Alternative

This past Monday I did my first MDMA session.  Now before I share my experience, I must disclose that MDMA IS ILLEGAL IN THE UNITED STATES although I believe it’s now in stage 4 of clinical trials by the FDA and is slated to be legalized for trauma treatment by earliest, next year.  Also, I’m not a doctor nor a therapist.  This post is not meant to be medical advice.  I encourage anyone reading this not to take my word for it, but do their own research.  I also do not condone frivolous use of this substance as it is not a toy.  If you do decide to try it, seek the assistance of an appropriate professional.

I decided to try MDMA because I heard it was a very effective tool for healing trauma.  I did do body oriented therapy which is a combinations of talk therapy, breathwork, bodywork and core emotional release for almost 5 years, But while it did take me from a place of being the average typical dude that was CLUELESS about his emotions, wanted nothing to do with them, and was totally emotionally cutoff and unaware, to one who has a good degree of emotional awareness and intelligence, and it also gave me an understanding of a lot of my emotional issues and why I do the things I do, it couldn’t help me reach the trauma stored deeply in my body that is at the core of my issues, so after hitting a ceiling with it, I realized it was time to move on.

I did not do it with a sitter, which may not have been the “wisest” thing because a sitter is strongly recommended.  However, having been through a whole bunch of “weird” situations in my journey of spiritual and emotional healing which includes but is not limited to what I experienced doing magic mushrooms on several occasions by myself, I was really not afraid of what would come up, and was FULLY open to receive and feel whatever came up knowing that it’s for my own healing and self integration.  For me, being in the comfort of my own bedroom in my own home was enough to make me feel comfortable and safe.  Also, these sitters cost money that I did not have, and I REFUSED to let the lack of financial resources be a hindrance to my own healing.  Time is passing by quickly and I need to get my life together.  Thus, though this may sound arrogant, I was fully confident I could handle and deal with whatever came up by myself, and I was right.  I figured the more “difficult” the experience, the freer I’ll be on the other side as when I go through it, so I was down for whatever.  The pain of staying where I am in life is much greater than any discomfort that comes with these experiences.

I took the first dose 125mg at around 2:30pm.  The effects came on around a half hour into it.  The first dose came on intense and it felt the same as a mushroom trip.  My body was contorting, writhing and contracting as it got rid of the buried emotions in my body just like in a mushroom trip.  I was able to feel the emotional baggage literally being emptied out of my body as my body expelled it.  About a little over an hour later, I took the remaining 50 mg (I’ve heard different times you’re supposed to wait between the first and the second dose. I may have done it a bit too quickly and should’ve waited till an hour and a half…oh well).  After I took the second dose, the intensity lessened significantly and although I did not feel that total euphoric or LOVE FILLED feeling that people often describe, I did feel quite comfortable, safe and cared for.

MDMA fills your body with serotonin which puts your body in a “non-ordinary”, that is characterized by feelings of love, safety, and self acceptance.  This enables your body to feel safe to bring up old, painful, traumatic memories and emotions that it normally suppresses in an ordinary state to protect you.  Because your body is in an altered state, your body is able to fully feel and experience these emotions allowing it to process and let go of them.  When this happens, your body no longer perceives them as some imminent threat but rather as a memory from the past, enabling us to move past them and no longer be controlled by them.  It also frees you of the accompanying behaviours associated with the trauma.  I’ve read of people reliving memories of sexual abuse or violence that they didn’t remember until the session because up until then, their body had deeply suppressed it.  I’ve also read of war veterans being healed from PTSD that were resistant to all sorts of SSRIs.  Some of them said that if some of their fellow vets were able to try this, it surely would’ve prevented their suicides.  These people were able to let go of their trauma and reclaim parts of themselves that were lost.

Comparing MDMA to mushrooms, I find while MDMA directly deals with your trauma, mushrooms, although it can and does do the same thing, also tends to be more abstract in that it also deals with mind expansion and spiritual growth.  Mushrooms will show you symbols and metaphors that relate to your life and who you are as a person that may take a while to get or understand.  It also takes you to different dimensions.  It also can be very harsh and confronting because it can bring up things that you feel that you’re not ready to face.  Also, you’re less in “control” while you’re on mushrooms in that once you’re on them, you’re in for the ride until the “trip” ends.  With MDMA, it’s much more gentle and if you don’t want to take the “ride” you don’t have to.  However, just because it’s gentle, it doesn’t mean that the experience isn’t still intense.  It’s definitely confronting when dealing with past trauma which is of course why we bury it in the first place, however MDMA makes you feel loved or safe while doing it.  Interestingly enough though, I’ve found myself feeling loved and safe during my last two mushroom trips where I took heroic doses (5g and 7.5g respectively) as compared to my first couple of trips.  I believe this is because I decided to do my trips in my room with the lights off instead of outside.  Also, before I started this last two trips, I was fully resolved to surrender to whatever came up.  This made everything feel less scary.  Nonetheless, if you have the intention of releasing trauma, a sitter is definitely recommended with MDMA or any psychedelic substance.

Here are some of the most memorable experiences of the session:

• I’ve always felt this underlying feeling of anxiety, feeling unsafe,, and being alone in this world playing as “background music” for just about my entire life.  My normal behaviour for most of my life was to suppress, ignore or distract myself from this.  During this session, when this fear came up, I followed and welcomed the feeling and it led me to when I was a newborn infant, crying my eyes out in the maternity ward, in an unfamiliar environment separate from my mother.  The baby cried out its terror through me and I could feel the unease that racked my body stripping away layer by layer.
• I know I have a deep fear of success and my inability to handle it and its implications, but I haven’t been really able to tap into it until the MDMA session.  As I brought it up, I felt this HUGE wave of terror, unfamiliarity, overwhelm and unsafety wash over my body.  It felt almost as if my life was in danger. It was good to be able to confront this and let go of some of this, but I realize that there’s a lot more to unpack.* I went to different situations in my past that had a strong emotional charge attached to them (shame, guilt, fear, anger) and I could feel my body heaving these huge sighs to let go of this feelings, or I could feel something let go within me. 
• My mind went back to kindergarten where I initially had difficulty making friends and I cried with the child over the feelings of being rejected.  I felt a huge relief in my body as I let go of these feelings that showed up as insecurity in my adult life.* I would feel waves of rage and anger come up in my body that I suppressed for years, showing up in body configurations such as a clenched jaw that my body would simply release.

This is just the tip of the iceberg.  There’s a lot more to share but it’ll make this too long.  If you’re interested in hearing more, you can reach out to me.

The whole session lasted about 7 hours.  There came a time when I knew it was over and when I looked at my phone, saw it was 9:34 PM, which was kind of surprising because the time went by SO quickly. It felt like two hours, not seven. Up until 2 days after the session, I was still experiencing my body letting go of trauma.  I still have a lot to integrate, but here’s what I’ve noticed.

• I feel a lot lighter, like I viscerally let go of some heavy baggage (think about when you go to the bathroom 😀 ).
• I feel a lot more connected to myself, as in I’ve reconnected to parts of myself that I lost connection to over the years due to emotional baggage.  This becomes apparent when I listen to old songs from the 90s and earlier with which bring up a part of my essence that was somehow stashed away and suppressed.
• For the past 20+ years, accept for in a few instances, I’ve felt misaligned from the flow of money, such that I always have to worry about it, chase it, or feel its lack which only makes it run more from me.  After this session, I’ve felt that reconnection with that energy start to resurface.
• As per my last point, I had a client who wanted to apply for an apartment only to find out it was already taken.  Now, before the session, I would concede that this is the “story” of my life where every time I try to get ahead and think things look like they are turning around for me, something comes up to smack me back down.  This would lead to me thinking, “What’s the use of even trying?” and then I soon want to jump out of a window or in front of traffic.  This time, although initially started going down that road, something felt different and I simply said to myself, “Eh…more coming.  Who cares?” and I simply let go.
• I feel more enthusiasm and hope for life.
• I feel more present.

What’s interesting is that though I have had deep releases when on mushrooms, the changes I’ve gotten haven’t been as noticeable as what I received from my MDMA session thus far.  Maybe because the changes experienced from mushrooms were deeper in my psyche.  Nonetheless, the journey continues and I have a lot more integrating to do.  I’ve read and been told that MDMA should not be done more than once a month so that you don’t burn out your serotonin receptors, so my plan is to do it again in at least month.  It is also advised that you take a supplement called 5HTP 24 hours after your session and for 3-5 days after to replenish your serotonin levels so you don’t go into a depression.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps.

Ike Love