The Viable Alternative

A few days ago, I got a message from a friend asking me for advice because everything his child was doing was making him angry.

I asked him if it was about the child or was it about him, and he responded that it was all him. I then suggested that he breathe, relax and find out what the real issue was and to deal with it for what it is. He further explained to me that he just seemed so irritable, and I again encouraged him to find the source of his irritation and resolve it.

Although unspoken, the implication behind my advice was that he deal with his irritable mood so that he doesn’t take it out on his child, who had nothing to do with it. Once the wall of irritation was removed or at least manageable, he would be able to deal with his child for who the child is rather than through the glasses of irritation.

What was superbly significant about this whole conversation was the self awareness and humility of my friend to realize and acknowledge that the irritation he was dealing with at the time had nothing to do with his child, and so instead of using the child as an emotional or maybe physical outlet to vent his frustration (who remembers spankings?), he instead chose to reach out to someone else not connected to the situation for grounding and clarity.

Now, I’m not a father, so I have no idea about what it’s like to actually raise kids. However, I do remember being a child when something I or one of my siblings did or said was met with a response from my parents that was disproportionate to the initial action. I also witnessed this with friends and relatives with their own parents. That response could’ve been being yelled at unnecessarily, given a beating when one wasn’t called for, or if it was called for, it being more severe than necessary, or being given a lecture that went just a little too long, or being directly insulted as if you were an adult, or being told to sit or quiet down for being too loud or hyper when neither was the case.

If you can recall these instances as a child, you may remember that it was more about our parents being in a bad mood or triggered in some way than it was about us, yet we bore the brunt of it. The sad thing was that they were so lacking in self awareness that they were unable to realize they were reacting to their own baggage or they lacked the humility to take responsibility for their own emotions instead of projecting them onto the child. Shoot, even suggesting any of this to them was enough to get you a beating or grounded.

Whatever the case, the result of the unresolved crap of its parents is a child with its unformed, immature mind having to adopt coping behaviours in order to survive in an emotionally unstable world created by the parents in order to receive love and acceptance. It also results in the child adopting limiting beliefs about itself that have an adverse effect on its self esteem.

These behaviours and beliefs aren’t conveniently left at the door when the child leaves the house to go to places like school, nor are they left behind when the child becomes an adult. Instead, they become intertwined in the child’s identity and will affect the friends and romantic partners they choose, their level of ambition, how they let people treat them, the level of success they achieve, their emotional health, and their overall feelings of self worth.

Often, it is only through some type of therapy that a person is able to undo these beliefs and behaviours that are rooted in his or her childhood.

Yes, I would agree that parents are under a lot of stress from life in general and having to take care of one or more human beings in particular, and have the wounds of their own childhood to contend with. However, this is not an excuse to let the emotions from your own crap run roughshod over your children. We’re not animals. You can actively cultivate self awareness and emotional intelligence so you can deal with your children proactively rather than reactively.

Sure I know that even the most self aware, emotionally intelligent parents are still only human and are bound to make mistakes, but that shouldn’t stop anyone from at least trying. At the very least, an environment where the parents are self aware and take responsibility for their own emotions allows for a greater probability that the kids feel consistently safe, loved and secure which in turn will make it easier to develop the inner resources that will enable them to thrive as adults.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love