The Viable Alternative

I’ve always thought this was a problem, but after reading some of the comments from my last blog about marriage, it became glaringly evident that there is a widespread misunderstanding about the concept of putting yourself first.

Now, I’m not in any way purporting myself to be some enlightened guru walking to and fro the earth wearing only a tunic, sandals and carrying a old school satchel, on a quest to enlighten the poor ignorant masses, but I do believe some light needs to be shed on this because there are a great many people who are SUFFERING unnecessarily because they don’t get this concept, so I decided to throw my hat into the ring.

Oftentimes, if you say you put yourself first, you’re thought to be a greedy, self-centered, selfish, heartless, unfeeling bastard who is destined to die alone with no friends.

I’ll be the first one to raise my hand and confess that for many years I too was one of the very ignorant and VERY confused people out there who thought it was horrifically wrong to put oneself first. Riddled with guilt about what a horrible person I was, I thought it was “righteous” to sacrifice myself and put others well-being before mine.

Since I’m talking about myself, I am freely allowed to say that I was a complete idiot.

You know, I’ve often recanted my years of “self-improvement” as a complete waste where most of the insights I received did VERY little to improve the quality of my life, but there is one brilliant insight I recall that relates to this subject that was introduced by a man by the name of Nathaniel Brandon, who is often quoted in psychotherapist circles as “the father of self-esteem.”

He disagreed with the whole concept bludgeoned into our heads by The Illusion that, “It’s easy to be selfish and it’s hard to self sacrifice.”

He went on to say that actually, “It’s hard to be selfish and it’s easy to self-sacrifice.”

Before I go on, let me stop and say that when I speak about The Illusion, I mean basically the collection of false beliefs, old wives’ tales, superstitions, judgments and criteria perpetuated by society at large that crystallizes in people’s minds and is purported to be the TRUTH but in all honesty leads people down a road where they’re following everything BUT the truth.

In other words The Illusion is the collective ego of society, which people plug into at the expense of who they really are.

Either way, you know what?

The man was right.

People often think it’s hard to self sacrifice and easy to be selfish and think putting themselves first is such a bad thing because they’re very misguided about what the “self” even is.

The self is NOT how much money you have in the bank, or how many fly clothes you have in your closet, or how many chicks you’ve banged, or how many people tell you that you look good (I sadly and pathetically based my “self” on this for years), or how many records you’ve sold, or how popular you are or any other external object or tangible concept.

When you base your identity on these things, you’re identifying with the ego or false self which has absolutely nothing to do with who you TRULY are.

Whenever you come from your ego, you see life as a zero-sum game where for you to win, somebody else has to lose and vice-versa. Thus, putting yourself first means that someone else out there has to get the short end of the stick while you “get over”.

The truth of the matter is that self is not some tangible, finite “value” set forth by man, though man and The Illusion he created would like to think so.

The true self is that intangible, eternal essence of who you are. It can never be added to or taken away from. It just is.

It’s the part of you that shined forth as a little kid when you were playing by yourself or amongst your friends and you imagined yourself as a great warrior fighting against an army, or the king or queen of a vast kingdom, or a legendary sports star.

Because you were not fully tainted by The Illusion, all these expressions came forth naturally and effortlessly from the core of your being.

It’s the part of you that expresses the peace and satisfaction of making a positive contribution to mankind individually or collectively while doing what you know you were called to do, whether it’s being a street sweeper, a teacher, a doctor, a writer, an activist…whatever.

It’s the part of Michael Jordan that shined forth to enable him to hit those 42 inch verticals, and what propelled Usain Bolt to run 100 metres in 9.58 seconds.

The true self doesn’t get jealous, it doesn’t needlessly compare itself with others about what it does or doesn’t have, it doesn’t get insecure that others might be “better” than it, and it doesn’t fear loss.

Why?

Because your TRUE self knows it has everything it needs, and that it can not in any way shape or form be defined by some material object or subjective value because it’s far greater than these things. The self knows it has infinite potential and can’t be bothered with these petty labels that are supposed determine how worthy it’s supposed to be.

As corny as this may sound to some, because the true self has no room for fear it is an expression of love.

When you put your ego first, someone does indeed lose while your ego “gains” whatever that thing might be, but you are doing absolutely nothing wrong by putting your true self first, and by not putting yourself first, you’re sacrificing yourself to a false concept that is far inferior to whom you really are.

Yet, because of The Illusion, putting yourself first is not an easy thing to do, neither is it too popular.

You put yourself first when you ignore all the naysayers telling you to grow up, get a “real job” or get “serious”, and decide rather to pursue your dreams that come from the core of who you are, i.e. your true self, and live a life that speaks from your heart, saying, “Screw what everyone else says, I’m going to achieve the life I want or die trying.”

You put yourself first when you stick to your own views and opinions that you feel in your heart no matter how unpopular they may be. You put your ego first when you sacrifice your integrity and go along with what everyone else says because you don’t want people to dislike you or say negative things about you.

You put yourself first when you kick to the curb that useless friend or family member who does nothing but take from your life and inversely, you sacrifice who you truly are by keeping them around because the dead weight of their negativity hinders you from going forward.

I think many of you reading this would see a marked improvement in your well-being by putting yourselves first and banishing all the loser, deadbeats in your lives. I dare you to try! 🙂

Sadly, people make the wrong choices all the time because putting your true self first is not the easy, popular thing to do.

It is easier and more popular to sacrifice who you really are by jumping into the next dysfunctional relationship than it is to do the “selfish” thing and face your demons so you can learn who you really are and be able to evolve from being dependent on others to someone who is independent and whole enough to create a whole, interdependent, healthy relationship with someone.

On an aside, while on this subject, I am going to beat up the next guy who complains bitterly to me about how unhappy he is in his relationship and then when I suggest, “If you’re unhappy, why don’t you leave and move on?” they turn around and say, “I can’t because, she needs me.”

People like this have lied to themselves by thinking that they’re doing an altruistic thing by sacrificing themselves and putting someone else first, but really they’re making matters worse for ALL parties involved.

First off, though they’re not putting their core selves first, they’re definitely putting their egos first by using their “selfless concern” for their partners as a cover for their own desperate need to be needed and as a diversion for them to face their own demons.

Second, for all the “concern” about putting the other person first, there is absolutely nothing to be gained by the other person who you’re trying to “save” by sticking in a relationship where you’re unhappy.

There is also nothing to be gained by lying to the other person when you remain in the relationship not because of love, or because you’re happy, but just out of guilt and a self-righteous need to feel like some martyr…..gimme a break.

In addition, you insult another person’s intelligence when you say that this person “needs” you. She needs air, she needs water, but she doesn’t need you.

Lastly, you’re robbing this person of the gift one receives when one takes responsibility over one’s own life and decides to solve one’s own problems.

NO one gains when you choose to sacrifice your true self and put your ego first, while EVERYONE gains when you put the core of who you are first.

Putting your ego first results in either a lose-lose or a win-lose situation, where even in a win-lose situation, the winner still loses because they’re settling for results that are far inferior to what they could have had in a win-win situation, where you win simply because the WHOLE of which you are a part is gets to be uplifted along with you.

Before people start to have fits and start asking me, “What the __________ are you talking about saying there’s nothing wrong with ‘putting yourself first?’ How about the mom that goes to the club every night and leaves her young children to fend for themselves? She’s putting herself first but it doesn’t benefit anyone but herself.”

To that I would say someone who shirks her responsibilities that they KNOW deep down inside that they should be taking care of is NOT putting herself first but rather her ego. She’s also taking actions that will ultimately wind up biting her in the rump down the line when her kids grow to be resentful for her not being around enough when they were younger or they wind up getting in trouble with the law as they get older because the mom wasn’t as attentive as she should’ve been.

All these will obviously serve as headaches for her down the line for what she did and didn’t do when she was younger.

When I talk about putting ourselves first, I talk about taking actions that nurture our spirit and feed our souls, as we’re spiritual beings having an earthly experience. Just as our mind and bodies need to be fed individually, so do our spirits. When we don’t put our true selves first, we starve our spirits.

Take a look around you and look at the different messes that go on in people’s lives and in the world at large everyday. They’re a direct result of people not putting their selves first.

Personally, I believe if we ALL took time to find out who we really are instead of settling for this ego we hide behind, we’ll see a lot less depressed people walking around, because they’ll be taking the time to find out how to truly nurture and feed their spirits, subsequently healing their pain, rather than being complete wusses by running away from who they are through food, shopping, drugs, alcohol, or being in flat out, IDIOTIC denial, etc.

We’ll also see divorce rates plummet (oh boy, here I go again), because people who have no business being with someone else because they’re such a mess, would spend time making themselves whole rather than spending time destroying someone else’s life. Couples which have no business being together would cease to exist because people would be getting together out of a love for one another rather than a need for one another.

There would subsequently be a lot less wounded children walking around, who grow into wounded adults – many times a direct consequence of these unions not working out.

If we put ourselves first, I also believe we’d see a lot less psychopaths walking around victimizing people because there is a feeling of personal empowerment that comes from taking time to address the inner reasons why you’re unhappy and learn to love yourself rather than take your frustrations out at the world at large because you feel like a helpless victim.

Remember the famous quote, “Love your neighbour as yourself.” The implication is that you have to be able to love yourself first, so you can have something to share with others.

Also remember on an airplane, when given instructions for using the oxygen masks, you’re instructed to put yours on first before you aid others in putting theirs on. After all, what the hell use are you in helping someone else put on his mask if you’re gasping for air?

When you’ve helped yourself to breathe properly, you now have the energy to help others do the same.

The greatest gift you can give to mankind is to identify your purpose, the very way in which you were meant to serve mankind, and center your entire life around that, from where you live, to who your friends are, to whom you choose to settle down with, and inversely whom you choose NOT to be friends with.

When you do this, you put your true self first, and EVERYONE gains from it.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps.

Ike Love