The Viable Alternative

Happy New Year everyone! I wish you all a happy, prosperous 2015. I hope that you all receive major breakthroughs this year in the areas that you’ve been actively working on for results.

It was when I was 20 years old that I first discovered the importance of enjoying spending time alone with myself. Before that, whenever I would spend time with myself, it was more because I was “forced” to because friends of mine I normally hung with had other plans or because I would get in one of my depression modes that was characteristic of my late teens when I didn’t care to hang out with anyone, I just wanted to either brood and sulk or wish death on the entire world (hey, forgive me…I had issues 🙂 ).

However, when I was 20 years old, as my attitude took a 180, I intuitively started to realize that by learning to spend time with myself, I would get to know my own self better which in turn would eliminate the “need” I felt to always be around other people and also make me a more confident person.

It’s a tragedy how many people don’t get the importance of learning how to become comfortable spending time alone to enjoy one’s own company.

I remember back in college, a good friend of mine used to go to the movies by himself. When I heard of this, I thought to myself, “Wow, I could never do that. How embarrassing would it be to go to the movies by myself, people might think I’m a loser with no friends.”

The thing is, my friend had the right idea. Sure he wouldn’t have minded if people came along, but he didn’t let whether someone being able to accompany him to the movies or not get in the way of him doing what he wanted to do. He had a passion for film and he was comfortable enough in his own skin to be able to go and partake in his favourite pastimes by himself. In fact, there were times when he preferred to go just by himself just so he can have that time alone to do what he liked.

Yes, it did speak volumes about the passion he had for movies to be able to go by himself at an age which most people scoffed at dong such a thing, but it spoke also about being able to do things by your self.

Whether you believe in the Bible or not, I’m sure you know the verse, “Love your neighbour as yourself.”

The key point in that verse is that you must first learn to love yourself before you spread the love outwards, because you can’t give what you don’t have.

In the same token, when we’re about to take off on a plane, the flight attendants give a demonstration on how to put on oxygen masks if the cabin pressure were to decrease. In the demonstration, you’re instructed to put yours on FIRST before you help others with theirs.

Basically, when you’re of good use to yourself, you’re in a better position to be of good use to others.

Learning to spend time with yourself covers a multitude of benefits. It helps you learn to appreciate and cherish your own company. It gives you space to learn who YOU are in a way that being in the company of others can’t. It replenishes the energy you have that can be depleted by being around people all the time. It gives you time to reflect on your own life so you can evaluate where you are, who you are, where you’re going in life, and where you’ve been which in turn can enable you to notice some self-defeating habits you engage in so you can make the necessary changes to create a happier, more peaceful and successful future.

Also, it gives you a firmer foundation when dealing with others. When you learn to enjoy spending time alone with you, you’re less likely to put up with the crap that others throw at you. Most people put up with other people’s nonsense because they feel they have to because they’re afraid to be alone, and they’re afraid to be alone because they don’t enjoy being alone. They’re also afraid that if they were to stand up for themselves, it would cause the other person who’s giving them crap to walk away, again leaving them alone.

People will do to you what they feel they can get away with. When you enjoy your own company enough that you’re willing to walk away from a situation where the other person or people are disrespecting you or adding unnecessary drama or negativity to your life, others can sense your power and are more likely to respect your boundaries, whereas when you put up with others’ nonsense because you don’t like being alone, others, sensing your neediness, are more bound to disrespect you and step over your boundaries.

I heard somewhere that the strongest negotiating position is the one where you’re willing to walk away. Learning to enjoy your own company helps give you that position in situations that aren’t serving you.

Spending time with yourself involves simply setting aside alone time with yourself to do the things you love. This can include staying home on a Friday or Saturday night rather than doing your usual going out with friends so you can instead read a good book, relax by yourself, meditate, write, or even enjoy a beer or a glass of wine. It could include going to the movies by yourself like I illustrated earlier. It could mean taking morning walks by yourself for a half hour or hour or however much time you find. It could include going to the beach by yourself on a warm summer day or even taking a vacation by yourself to a place you’ve never been before.

I went to the Domincan Republic by myself back in ’08 and though I was initially nervous, it was one of the best things I ever did. It taught me that I can go anywhere alone and still meet people, it taught me about doing things I love alone, and I also learned a lot about myself.

You don’t necessarily need the company of others to do the things you enjoy doing. Just like spending time with others to do things you mutually enjoy strengthens the bond between all of you, doing things with yourself that you enjoy doing strengthens the bond with yourself, which in turn gives you the foundation, strength and confidence to engage the world at large.

Before I go, I want to clear up any misconceptions. Learning how to spend time by yourself DOES NOT mean avoiding people altogether and becoming a hermit. Sure, there are times in our own individual journeys where we may have or choose to be away from people for an extended period of time so we can heal, cleanse and connect to who we are on a deeper level, but just like there are some people who are constantly in the company of others because they’re afraid to be alone, there are others who spend time alone because they’re uncomfortable in the company of others. Both behaviours are on opposite ends of the spectrum and are an indicator of someone being uncomfortable with his or herself. They’re two sides of the same coin and are both unhealthy.

The proper balance is being comfortable enough to spend time alone in order to connect to who you are, rejuvenate and replenish your energy, and reflect, and on the other hand being comfortable enough to be in the company of others that you deem worthy to freely give of the gifts, resources and treasures you have that you connected to from being alone.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love