The Viable Alternative

Things have gotten a little interesting in my life.

As I’ve been consistently moving towards my goals, and sharing my progress, my challenges and successes with people, I’ve been getting various people from social media, some completely unexpected and random, as well as people face-to-face telling me how much I’m an inspiration to them and how much of an amazing person I am.

In addition to that, more people have been asking for some of my time to meet up with me or talk with me on the phone to share their own stories of success or just to simply build with me.

Part of me feel flattered by all this, but another part of me feels completely guilty.

The “little” reason why I feel this way is because of a phenomenon known as the “impostor syndrome,” where one feels unworthy of the success he has or of the admiration he receives from people.

As I grow, as I heal, and as I learn to get out of my own way, not only am I realizing that I was put on this earth to enlighten, inspire and empower, but I have also been seized with this burning desire to be used as a vessel for God to express my gifts. I truly am FASCINATED by WHAT my own potential will look like when fully harnessed, and as such, in what little I know to do with my gifts so far, I seek to throw myself into these activities in order to align with my purpose.

I’ve heard others say that you can often feel it when you’re around someone who’s focused on their purpose. There’s a certain energy they give off, a certain vibe they have, and particular air about them. It’s not tangible, but people sense it and want to be around that person “to get some of what he or she has.”

Maybe or maybe not this is happening to me, but not so deep down inside, I often ask myself, “Do these people REALLY know who I am?”

Do they know I still have deep down insecurities? Are they aware that I still struggle a great deal with procrastination and I often feel guilty for pissing away a lot of my time? Are they aware that financially I can barely pay my rent (and owe some unpaid rent) and that it terms of eating, traveling, and paying the bills I have I’m truly living by the grace of God? Do they know that many of my days are filled with guilt and self-bashing because the optimal time to get to my day gig is around 9-9:30am but I get in on average around 11:30am because I’m so exhausted from the night before and haven’t CONSISTENTLY cultivated the discipline to get out of bed at around 7:15?

I also think to myself, people are inspired by me, but do they know that I historically had problems with staying consistent in pursuing my dreams? I often have these brief bursts of creativity or inspiring accomplishment, but due to my own damaged internal infrastructure, a couple of bumps on the road and I get into these huge bouts of discouragement which at its heels brings long periods of inactivity. Yea, I know I’m addressing this with therapy, but what has been there has been there.

People praise me for the wonderful physique I have, but I sometimes I even feel guilty of that as well. Due to genetics, I don’t have to work as hard as others to get the physique I have, and in fact, if I were to sit around and do nothing all day, I’d lose weight, not gain. Plus, though I’ve been working out regularly since ’99, my past two years at the gym have been quite inconsistent. Due to the pressures of work, me being bored with the gym, and me being ashamed to show my face there because I sometimes owe them money, I sometimes take weeks off of going.

Because of this, I often am left thinking to myself, how do I deserve admiration for something I haven’t even worked hard for?

It doesn’t make it any better that I have friends who wake up at 5am to go early to the gym. I haven’t been able to muster such discipline to do that in YEARS! Ugh!

I’m supposed to be putting together a holiday showcase/reception this coming December called “Expressions of Divinity” that has inspired a lot of people who I’ve shared this with. however, I still haven’t even found a venue yet, I still don’t know how I’m going to pay for the whole thing according to the vision I have for the event. The photographer who I shot with to produce the images for the event, though seeming like a nice guy, could turn out to be a complete knucklehead and wind up flaking on me by not giving me the pics he took, and other people and moving parts I’ve been depending on may wind up falling through which can lead to me canceling the whole thing.

All this supposed inspiration and I don’t even know yet how this all going to happen.

Truly, I sometimes I look at myself and think that under the facade of what people are admiring is this boy-man. The people around me who say they admire me look like LEGIT adults compared to me. They can afford to take care of themselves and a family, some have businesses where they’re responsible for others, some own property or at least have their name on a lease to an apartment where they pay their rent ON TIME, some have actually accomplished their dreams, some are pursuing activities they enjoy and can afford (like MMA) and some travel around the world.

Then you have me, a guy with all this intelligence and “wonderful potential” who despite all his vast knowledge of the world and different cultures, hasn’t seen much of the world and still lives with roommates because he hasn’t yet learned to “get out of his own way.”

When I see people saying that I inspire them, I sometimes think to myself, “Inspired by what?” Really what people are inspired by are my words, but does that really make me inspiring if what I speak and write aren’t reflected in the way my life looks?

I do know that I’m not alone in this impostor syndrome deal. Many celebrities and famous people around the world who’ve had FAR more success than me have struggled with the same thing, and this dichotomy between how others saw them and how they saw them had ultimately led to their demise.

Despite all this doubt, uncertainty and dysfunction, I can honestly say that what I know that I know that I truly, TRULY do have is a desire to be a stronger, more powerful version of myself so I can have a positive lasting impact on this world and my descendants. In order to achieve that, no matter how unpleasant, I’m willing to work on healing my wounds, removing my blocks, pick myself apart, look at myself the best as I can with an objective, discerning eye, and whatever else it takes to get out of my own way. I just can’t or won’t settle.

As I continue my journey, my walk may be clumsy with me tripping and falling all over the place while slowly plodding forward, but in the final analysis, I’ve never ever quit trying to be something better and will never give up going after the life I deserve.

Maybe it’s me doing all this in the midst of all my doubts and shortcomings that make me feel like an impostor is what makes me actually REAL and worthy of being an inspiration to others.

Maybe that’s all it takes….

Hmmm…..

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love