The Viable Alternative

I was challenged by a friend of mine, the creator/author of the blog, Conduit of Healing, to write a blog about the men and emotions, and the proper way for us to deal with them, so, since I’m not a man to turn down a challenge, here goes The Viable Alternative view on how a real man deals with his emotions.

During this personal journey of self-discovery, where at points I’ve been overly sensitive (especially during my childhood) to being overly logical, and unfeeling, I’ve finally begun to learn the proper place of emotions.

Emotions are like the waves of an ocean. You can’t control them but you can control how you react to them. If you’re not careful, the rough waves can destroy your ship, however if you learn the precision and skill of working with them, you can navigate them safely and use them to get you to where you want to go.

As men, we’ve often misunderstood our emotions. On one hand, there’s the macho “strong silent type” that shows or feels no emotion except for anger and think that crying is for sissies. These men are totally out of touch with their emotions because they don’t acknowledge them.. Such is of the type that women have been complaining about for years about them being emotionally unavailable and cold.

Then on the other end, you have very feminine men (notice I said feminine not “effeminate”, there is a difference) who are very in touch with their emotions and have no problem expressing them. While they’re considered to be emotionally available, they’re very sensitive and considered to by women to be “emo” and too “girly” because they deal with their emotions like the average woman.

I’ve heard the brilliant analogy that emotions can be considered as “energy in motion.” They’re to be felt and expressed and let to flow in our bodies. At the same time, while we should be able to feel and express them, we should also take a proactive role in responding to them constructively.

Stiffening ourselves up and bottling up our emotions because we’re afraid to feel them and we’re afraid of how we’ll react to them will indeed serve to trap our emotions in our bodies without giving them a necessary outlet. This causes several problems. The first is that it takes a certain amount of energy to hold an emotion, and over time as you build up the trapped emotions in your body, you have different areas of your body that become chronically stiff and contracted due to the fact that they’re holding all this energy Energy that is normally used to help the body function properly is now being diverted to the constricted muscles that hold all of this tension and sooner or later, this leads to the body being off balance and can eventually cause the body to be in dis-ease which results in the onset of a myriad of illnesses.

Also, an emotion not given the opportunity to express itself in a normal way will find some other way to express itself. It could be through an emotional outburst i.e. “going postal” or it could be through one of the many ways a person self-medicates (e.g. drug/alcohol abuse, workaholicism, overeating, etc.) The person continues to feel the emotion, but since he doesn’t know how to express it, he chooses one of these methods to distract or numb himself from the trapped emotion.

It could also once again express itself through disease or a chronic ailment like lower back pain. Often this is the body’s way of signalling to you that something is off balance so you can take the appropriate action.

In addition, trying to use logic to analyze our emotions is another method we employ to avoid feeling our emotions. When we go into our heads to avoid feeling the emotion, we block the flow of our emotions and cause them to once again get stuck. We also disconnect ourselves from our bodies which prevents us from being present and spontaneous. Emotions come with different types of sensations in our bodies, and they’re meant to be experienced and not avoided.

Now, a man reading this may automatically jump up and say, “What am I supposed to be? Some whiny little bitch that cries all the time?”

The answer is no. A “whiny little bitch” sees himself as a victim. You can experience your emotions that comes from a place of power rather than feeling helpless. You can be in control without trying to control your emotions, That way, you can let your emotions flow without letting them carry you away.

The “emo,” overly sensitive guy lets his emotions carry him away. His emotions appear, and he reacts in a knee-jerk way. Such a man who just reacts to his emotion is not present but is rather on auto pilot. He doesn’t realize that just because he feels a certain way doesn’t mean he has to react a certain way. In the face of emotion, he can actually train himself to act a different way from what he’s been conditioned and thus take a proactive role in his life where he lives it fully present. Think about the man who when he’s angry at his girl, he goes for a long jog, or hits the gym rather than beat her up. That’s a proactive, manly way to deal with your emotions.

How about crying? Are you less of a man if you cry?

A real man has learned to come from a place of strength rather than weakness when dealing with his emotions. Numbing yourself to your emotions is just as weak as letting yourself being carried away by your emotions.

Curling yourself into a ball and crying because you think the world is scary and unfair and you feel like a victim is weak, childish and unmanly.

However, crying can be a natural reaction to overwhelming sadness or overwhelming joy, and sometimes you need to let your emotion express itself in that way. Crying out of sadness is a healthy way to express your emotion and doesn’t necessarily mean you see yourself as a victim. I believe though, that there are certain times when it’s not okay to cry. For instance, if you’re in a leadership position where others look up to your for confidence and inspiration, and you and your team or tribe just got some really disappointing news, the wrong move would be for you to cry in front of everyone. People at this time need to see you as a pillar of strength and crying over bad news may demoralize everyone.

Better to postpone your crying until later when you’re all alone Crying at such a time can be cathartic and help you move on so you can rebound even stronger.

A real man has learned from the experience of walking his life journey when to do what.

A real man is a balance between the cold, macho douchebag and the wussy, sensitive, girly man. He’s in touch with his emotions, he’s emotionally available, and he’s not afraid to express his emotions. He’s learned to deal with them in a proactive way rather than a reactive way.

This is The Viable Alternative Man.

Hope this helps.

Ike Love