The Viable Alternative

I’ve always been fascinated by the aura of power and confidence that certain people give off without them having to say anything. You know, those people who walk into a room and immediately grab people’s attention. They don’t have to showboat, peacock, be loud or boisterous, or do anything else to draw attention to themselves. All they have to do is show up, and sometimes without them saying a word, immediately people can feel their power and are subsequently drawn to them.

Who wouldn’t want to be like that?

Now, I admit, I was a bit reluctant to write about this subject because frankly, at this point of my life, I’m not that guy yet and I didn’t want to come across as one of those “keyboard warriors” who live life in front of their computers without having experienced it. However, as someone who has been on that path of becoming a better, stronger version of himself, as a person who has made the mistake of trying to be that guy, and finally as a person who has at times observed such people or has listened to others talk about their experiences knowing such people, I feel that since we’re all here to help one another on our individual paths, I can at least share some of my insights I learned as a fellow sojourner of this “thing” called life.

In any case, I mentioned I’ve made the mistake of trying to be that guy. Enthralled by the aura of power that these people exude, and envious of the admiration and attention they got, I wanted the same thing for myself, so I tried to posture my body the way I felt a powerful person who attracted attention did, I tried to look and come across as cool and reserved, and in my lower moments, tried to be loud and boisterous.

Let’s just say that none of that worked. By trying to posture my body as powerful, I instead came across as stiff and robotic, trying to look all cool and reserved only made me self conscious which in turn made me even more stifled because I was trying to manage in my head how others perceived me, and by being alternately loud and boisterous only made me look like an insecure idiot.

What I didn’t know at the time was that there was a difference between trying to look powerful and actually BEING powerful. The people that exude power do it without intentionally trying to exude it. They exude power because they actually are powerful. Because they already are powerful they don’t have to chase after it. When you see people like this, you can immediately tell the difference between them and those who are desperately trying to give off that same perception. These second set of people come across as “try-hard” and even if they’re able to put up a good front, something just feels off about them, and they repel people rather than attract them.

Trying to be powerful vs. being powerful is like a woman who’s trying to “be” pregnant (notice I said “be pregnant” not “get pregnant”, big difference). She may stuff a pillow in her shirt, act more emotional, and walk a certain way to give off the appearance of being pregnant, but unless there is actually an embryo gestating in her womb, she’s NOT pregnant. Were she to have a fertilized egg in her womb, her body would automatically go through the accompanying chemical changes and the woman would then act pregnant the way she’s uniquely designed to be pregnant because, duh….she’s pregnant.

Many of us when we see qualities that we admire in people, or lifestyles or a certain status a person attained, we tend to get trapped focusing on the external appearances, perks and accolades that come with that quality, status or lifestyle rather than ask ourselves how the person may have attained such a quality or position or what they did, and even more important, who they are on a consistent basis to maintain such a status or exude such a quality.

Millionaires have said many times that in order to be a millionaire, you have to go through the process of becoming THAT person who’s able to attract and earn millions of dollars. Such people, if they were to lose their money through a bad business deal, a shady business partner, or an economic downturn would sooner or later become a millionaire again because they’ve already done the work to become those people.

On the other hand, if you’re not a millionaire and someone just hands you several millions of dollars, if you haven’t already cultivated the habits, behaviours and mindset of a millionaire, you’ll most likely lose it. Just think of lottery winners and professional athletes.

When it comes to exuding that powerful, confident aura, you gain that not by directly chasing that quality, but rather by taking the necessary steps on your own personal journey to be able to relate to yourself within as a powerful person. As you gradually relate to yourself as a powerful person, the by product will be you exuding power. No amount of faking, posturing or fronting can compensate for doing the actual work required to become that person.

The insistence on focusing on the external appearance of something rather than the inner attributes, attitudes and behaviours that manifested such a quality is the reason why so many people look for shortcuts to achieve their goal. For instance, rather than exercising regularly and eating healthily to be fit, people rather search for the latest diet fad or buy the newest diet pill or fancy machine, or even take steroids all to avoid the “pain” and “work” of the tried and proven route. They want the external experiences of being fit without all the necessary work.

Being able to relate to yourself in a powerful way involves being willing to consistently step out of your comfort zone in order to learn what you’re truly capable of doing, to be able to accomplish things that were initially beyond your ability to accomplish, to be able to galvanize inner resources and treasures you didn’t know you had or if you did, didn’t know to what extent you had them, and finally to be able to grow and evolve which all serve to ultimately gives you a greater sense of your power.

Being able to relate to yourself in a powerful way ALSO involves honouring who you are by holding yourself to a certain set of standards and values and living by them especially when it’s not easy or popular.

Just like a child watches the way a parent behaves or and followers watch their leader and form their opinions of them accordingly, your self watches how you treat YOU and adjusts its own opinion of you accordingly. We form our trust and opinions of people on the type of behaviour we expect them to display from watching them repeatedly. If you don’t honour yourself by stepping out of your comfort zone to gradually learn how powerful you really are or by living by standards and values that are important to you, you’ll never be able to relate to yourself in a powerful way. If can’t see yourself as powerful, you’ll never be powerful.

It’s funny that when I talk to people who’ve been taking some type of self-defense for a number of years, whether MMA, Muay Thai, Brazilian Jiu-jitsu or even boxing, when I ask them whether they’ve ever had to use their fighting skills in a real life confrontation, many of them tell me no. They say that they fought many more times before they started training than after they had started. This is because after training consistently, seeing themselves get better, and also seeing what they’re capable of, they gain an inner knowing of their own ability to defend themselves such that they feel no need to prove how tough they are to the external world.

Because they have no need to prove how tough they are, they’re able to let go of any insecurity in that area and simply relax. They know they know what they know. When they’re in the company of other people, people can intuitively feel their power and feel safe around them or stay away if they’re looking for trouble.

In a podcast I heard a couple of months ago, a guy who met Randy Couture, retired MMA fighter and former UFC champion, remarked how powerful his presence was. When Couture came to an MMA gym this guy trained at, he said that Couture was a very, kind, soft spoken, gentle guy who showed no signs of hostility, arrogance or belligerence towards anyone. As a guy who was once the top MMA fighter in the world, Couture had nothing to prove to anyone because he knew within himself what he was capable of and what he accomplished, and this translated to the sense of power he exuded outwards.

I’ve heard the same thing said of soldiers who were members of special forces units such as the Navy SEALS, Rangers, Green Berets, etc. They’ve gone through a harrowing experience to get accepted into one of these special forces, and after making it were taught tactics, maneuvers and skills taught to only the most elite soldiers, so they’ve grown to experience and stretch their own selves in such a powerful, next level way that few people on this planet are able to achieve in their own lives. These people are “extraordinary,” and people in their company are able to “sense” it.

Sometime last year in a conversation with one of my “player” friends about relationships and breakups, he said something very profound. He said that the most powerful thing you can do if someone breaks up with you is to not contact the person and move on with your own life, rather than cry, beg and pursue like you see in the Hollywood movies, which NEVER, EVER works. He further went on to explain that if the person was truly into you, they’ll eventually start to miss you and reach out to you. He said though, even if you don’t ever hear from that person, you knowing that you were able to walk away and move on is a part of how you gain that personal power that people are able to sense off of you when you walk into a room.

There are no shortcuts to power. It must be earned by progressively learning to see it within yourself.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love