The Viable Alternative

Do you have a friend who, when he’s totally sober, is an amazing person, who you enjoy hanging out with, but when he gets some alcohol in him, not so much? He becomes this mean, angry, combative person, who tries to fight any and everyone who he thinks looked at him funny or copped some type of imaginary attitude with him? With him, it’s like the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde story, where you don’t even recognize who he is.

Or do you know someone else, maybe a co-worker or acquaintance, who you normally don’t care to know or chill with because he or she is boring, stuffy and walks around with a stick up their arse, however, when they get tipsy, they loosen up and actually become very fun and cool to be around? They become interesting, charming and actually have a sense of humour, and you’re left wondering, “Damn, if you were like this all the time, I’d actually like hanging with you.”

Or, have you ever heard a friend talk about someone she’s dating or dated someone yourself who, when he or she gets a couple of drinks in them, go from being cold and unaffectionate to warm, tender, loving and vulnerable?

To throw myself under the bus, I can identify with some of these scenarios. I remember my Freshman year in college, a friend of mine telling me how girls on campus would tell him how unfriendly and mean looking I was when they would pass by me during the day and the only time I was friendly and open was when I was drunk.

I also remember a girlfriend I had in college tell me she liked me when I was drunk because I would let my guard down and be so “nice,” loving and tender to her – the type of guy she wished I would be when I was sober.

It’s generally known that alcohol is a chemical that helps loosen our inhibitions, causing us to do things that we normally won’t do when we’re sober. It also provides an escape for those who don’t want to face reality, and it also helps those numb the pain from past and present emotional trauma.

What may not be as widely known is that alcohol is a truth serum that often reveals the trauma we’re suppressing.

• An angry drunk may have dealt with some sort of emotional, physical or sexual abuse in their past and was shamed or punished when she expressed anger about it when it took place, so as a survival mechanism, she learned to suppress her anger, causing her to disconnect from it. However, because alcohol loosens inhibitions, this suppressed anger winds up getting released, causing the person to act out.
• A happy drunk may have been shamed for having fun or being playful or happy as a child by miserable or stressed out parents who saw the kid’s happiness as an affront to them or felt that since they were miserable, everyone around them had to be miserable as well. He thus learned that being happy or playful was “bad” and learned to suppress it. Years later, when he’s under the influence of alcohol, with lowered inhibitions, he feels “safe” to express this happiness and playfulness that he wasn’t allowed to express as a child.
• The sad, emotional drunk who suddenly bursts out crying when she’s drunk may be suddenly reliving a painful memory she experience long ago that she learned to block out because she didn’t want to deal with it. “Under the influence,” the memory gets released.
• The charming, charismatic drunk who’s normally inhibited to some degree may have been punished or shamed by parents for expressing his natural self or bullied by other kids growing up, so as a result, he concluded that there must be something wrong with him and learned to suppress himself to be accepted. With alcohol in him, the compulsion to suppress himself abates, and you get to see an inkling of who this person really is.
• The one who is more loving and vulnerable when he’s drunk may suppress those feelings when he’s sober because there’s some pain or rejection tied around those feelings. When he’s drunk, they naturally come out.

When I look over my life, I notice how I stifle myself around certain people because they trigger emotions of fear within me when I was bullied or shamed by my father for expressing myself as a child. However, I also notice that with a few drinks in me, I no longer feel that compulsion to suppress myself, and then the spontaneity that I so desperately wanted when sober suddenly is able to burst forth.

What type of drunk are you? Are you drastically different drunk than when you’re sober? Most people, if they do drink, will talk casually about what they’re like when they’re drunk, but will never think to look deeper into what that means, ESPECIALLY if they become a totally different person under the influence. Yet, if they pop open the hood and have a look inside, they will discover deep hidden pain, grief, sadness, anger or shame, which, if they started to address, will help give them a freedom, strength and well being they never thought was possible.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love