The Viable Alternative

There was a time in our lives, up until about 2-3 years old, when we couldn’t talk. So we dealt with the world around us strictly through our emotions.

• When we felt hungry, we cried.
• When our diapers needed changing, we cried.
• When we were tired we cried.
• When we got scared, we cried.
• When we wanted to be carried or held, we cried.
• When something was taken away from us, or wanted something, we cried as well.

Then, from the ages of 2-3, we learned to communicate through speech (or sign language if the person is deaf), but because we were still very immature, we tended take everything personally because we thought the world revolved around us.

• If a parent had a drinking problem, or if our parents fought consistently or got divorced, or if one walked out on the family, we would feel guilty because we think they did it because of us.
• If a parent died when we were young, we would feel worthless because we feel if we really loved us, they wouldn’t have left us like that.
• If a parent dealt with chronic sickness, we would feel guilty because we couldn’t help them or think that we caused the sickness.
• If a parent was consistently depressed and couldn’t be fully present with us, we would feel rejected or again worthless.

In addition, as kids, we were totally dependent on our parents for survival, so they were our entire world and were what stood in our way between life and death. So, a seemingly insignificant thing like not being able to find your Mom in a supermarket for 20 seconds, or one of your parents ignoring you, being angry at you or shaming you for something you did could spark terror in your heart in the same way a gunman would spark terror in most adults if he was pointing a gun at them and threatening to shoot them because you feel your life is at stake at the interpreted possibility of being abandoned.

Taking things a bit further, if we were shamed or bullied in some instance by an adult for expressing anger, sadness, fear, disappointment, etc. we learned to suppress these emotions in order to “survive” the environment where we lived.

Fast forward 15, 20, 30 years and more later, and we find that we have a drinking or some type of substance abuse problem, or we can’t hold down a job, or we’re terrible with money, or we’re always getting into dysfunctional relationships, or we have commitment issues, or we have an eating disorder, or we simply can’t get our lives together, or we’re in and out of trouble with the law…or some other persistent problem that we can’t seem to shake.

What we’re taught by very well meaning people is that we need to go to therapy to deal with these issues that have been plaguing us for most, if not all our adult lives.

Now, it’s great when a person is willing to seek therapy for his or her problems. It shows a willingness to take control and responsibility for their own lives, something that many, many people aren’t willing to do. However, you go to one of the conventional therapists that most people go to, you talk, talk, talk, you analyze your issues 50 ways till Sunday, you talk about why you do what you do, and when and where it started, all in the hopes of changing your dysfunctional behaviours, yet at worst, you’re still not able to overcome your dysfunctional behaviour and at best, you change your dysfunctional behaviour but you adopt a different dysfunctional behaviour.

Why?

• Well remember the fact that you were able to feel way before we were able to talk?
• Remember the traumatic situations that we’ve dealt with for the simple reason of being an immature minded child completely dependent on our parents?
• Remember the emotions we weren’t allowed to express as kids so we had to suppress?
• Remember the way we took certain things personally that caused us to harbour guilt, shame, grief, etc?

There’s a whole emotional world going on within us based on emotional wounds, trauma, suppressed emotions, etc that we hold in our bodies, and because we’re disconnected from them, we’re totally unaware of how they’re running our lives and causing us to “act out” in various ways that reflect our dysfunctional behaviours. They represent a neglected, hurt or scared inner child crying out to be heard or healed, and because these events may have happened before we were able to talk, or they’re suppressed deep within our unconscious minds and held in our bodies, simply talking and intellectualizing about our dysfunctional behaviour IS NOT enough to reach or resolve it.

I just found out in the past few weeks that I harbour DEEP feelings of sadness and grief from childhood that I would notice from time to time throughout my adult life but would ignore or suppress. It showed up with me sabotaging myself, and also in financial scarcity and underachievement. I realize that the conditions of my life are my inner child screaming to be heard.

Our dysfunctional behaviour stems from emotional issues from our past, and to deal with emotional issues you have to connect to your disowned emotions. Anything else is just a band-aid.

This is why most conventional therapy sucks. It just involves talking in order to get us to change our behaviour, but if we actually do succeed in changing our behaviour, because we haven’t connected to the emotions stuck in our body, these emotions wind up driving us to act out in a different way. Thus it only scratches the surface and never gets to the root.

If you’re really serious about dealing with your issues, I suggest looking into some type of body centered or somatic therapy that combines both talking and body work in conjunction with one another that leaves a segue for core emotional release.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love