The Viable Alternative

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend of mine who was telling me about yet another relationship he had gotten into with a woman whose red flags that were indicated to him in the beginning had begun to degenerate into full blown dysfunction in the relationship. I wasn’t surprised because this was nothing new with him. Just about every one of the women he had gotten involved with since I had known him was majorly broken in some way and all types of drama would eventually ensue because of it.

After shaking my head in disappointment to the point that I almost collapsed out of dizziness as he was telling me about his situation with the current woman, I decided to give him some insight that I had learned that would hopefully enable him to wake up and break this vicious, unending cycle.

I asked him what a fully emotionally and mentally healthy, well balanced, centered, “together” woman looked like to him. After some silence and then fumbling, he finally admitted to me that not only had he never thought about it, but also he couldn’t even begin to describe what one looked like.

BAM!

I mentioned to him this was the first problem. I asked him how he expected to have normal, healthy relationships when he didn’t even know what a healthy balanced woman looked like. Because of this, he didn’t even know how to screen the “crazies” out or to at least know that if he was to get involved with a “crazy,” to what point he should get involved with her so as to not let it start to negatively interfere with his life.

I suggested to him that what he should start doing IMMEDIATELY is to learn what an emotionally and mentally healthy, balanced woman looks like and in turn what a healthy relationship looks like so he could at least have something to work towards.

I gave him examples of the woman I was recently involved with and ways she had displayed emotional intelligence and maturity. I also explained to him how she added to my life and helped me become a better person and how in turn she said I did the same for her. I asked him, other than sex, what positive contributions did his girl make to his life and what ways did she help him to become a better person.

He was surprised by the example I gave him and said that his girl had no where near that maturity. He also couldn’t answer these two questions on how she contributed positively to his life or how she made him a better person.

The NEXT thing I suggested, is that after he figures out what such a woman looks like, to take a GOOD and HONEST look at himself and decide whether such a woman would want to be with him the way he is right now. If not, he should ask himself why, and take the time to do the personal work and development to become the man that can attract such a woman. Until then, he’s just going to keep on getting the mess he’s been getting and the subsequent drama and dysfunction that comes with it.

It’ s interesting how I hear all the time women spouting off how there “ain’t no good men out there,” that all men are cheaters and liars and that men act like boys not men. I also hear dudes mouthing off about how all girls are bitches and sluts and are crazy.

People speak this way because of a string of bad experiences, but the fundamental problem with people who talk like this is that they never stop to ask themselves WHY they attract people like this. If and when they do ask themselves “Why me?” it comes from a place of being a victim rather than a more proactive, empowering place of personal responsibility.

Sure everyone has had their occasional bad instances where they attract a “loser” or a “psycho” or just a generally bad person, sometimes it happens to each of us no matter how vigilant and perceptive we are, but when it happens to you ALL the time?

I know and have met a lot of good guys out there and met or dated a lot of amazing women, so they are out there. The question is, why aren’t YOU attracting them?

I would first say that you get what you expect. If you have emblazoned in your head the tons of psychos you dated including the woman that slept with seventeen of your friends or the guy who impregnated your sister, where’s the room in your mind for that whole, healthy, balanced positive person? If your energy is constantly focused on those negative experiences, no wonder you’re not attracting someone more positive. Your energy is invested elsewhere.

Which leads me to the next point. Sometimes we expect a certain thing because that’s all we know. We may complain until the cows come home about men being this or women being that, but we get the same because we think that’s all there is and think that this is just the way things are. We look around at our brothers, uncles, sisters, cousins, friends and neighbours and they’re also attracting the same “substandard” people and situations, so it further cements in our minds the way things must be. Because of this, we wind up choosing what we perceive to be the most appealing of the worst.

The solution to this is to realize that there is better out there. If you suspect that there possibly might be better, the goal is to find out what that looks like. You may want to read some books or seek out the company or association of whole, healthy, constantly improving and evolving people who may also have amazing, healthy, loving relationships. A whole is only as healthy as it’s parts. It is only someone who is healthy on a holistic level that is in turn capable of having a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Seeing such people will begin to open your mind to what is possible.

Now, there are many people who say they know what they want and have a very nice, well thought out list of the qualities their ideal person has, but they never stop to ask themselves if this person would be attracted to them. If you ask them such a question, they get all indignant as if you insulted them or something. Yet, the funny thing is that the people they continue to attract completely pales in comparison to this ideal person on the list.

It appalls me the entitlement mentality that exists in this society. People want to reap where they didn’t sow. They want their Prince or Princess charming when they’re still a frog.

I remember a conversation I had with a friend of mine a few years ago who would constantly say how he wanted as “wifey” a beautiful, successful, sweet, professional woman who had a nice pad and made good money. My “tough love” response to him was that that sounded all great, but what in the HELL did he have to offer such a woman and as such, why would such a woman want to be with him? I pointed out to him that he could barely hold down a job, had no high school diploma, had a drug problem and generally made very POOR decisions. Many of the women I met who fit his description of “wifey” won’t even give him the time of day. I furthermore said that for him to attract such a woman, he’d have to bring more to the table than what he had to offer at the time, but if he slowly and steadily worked on himself one day he could attract such a woman.

His response was that he was going to get his money situation together so he could buy a car and “fly gear” so that he can pull a girl like that. I told him that wasn’t enough, because there were many guys who already had that that didn’t have the issues he had that would turn a woman off. Let’s just say that even after telling him all that, he just didn’t get it, and I dropped the subject in frustration and disgust.

To kill your suspense, he never did attract THAT type of woman.

If you refuse to put in the work on yourself to attract the type of person you say you want, then you give up your right to complain about the “grime” you’re getting now. People are attracted to what and who they see in themselves because they’re able to relate to it in some way. Not only do you attract what you’ve been getting, but you’ve been attracted to what you’ve been getting on a deeper level that you may not even be aware of.

There’s a reason why flies are attracted sh*t while bees are attracted to flowers.

Attracting that whole, together, healthy man or woman is going to require you to take some cold, hard, honest looks at yourself in order to see what needs changing and “a fixin’.” If you struggle with one or more of the qualities of being needy, possessive, overly jealous, having a bad/violent temper, insecure, negative, unhappy, prone to dishonesty or cheating, irresponsible, subject to mood swings, slovenly, lazy, unmotivated, having tons of emotional baggage, or emotionally immature, you must ask yourself whether a person who’s put years of blood, sweat, tears, plus maybe even tons of money into becoming the whole, healthy person he or she is would want to put up with you when there are people out there who don’t have all those issues.

I promise you that it’s not going to be comfortable or easy, it also may require some therapy, but once you start to do the “work” on becoming a more whole, healthier person, I also promise you that not only will the caliber of people you attract and are attracted to you improve, but the quality of your romantic relationships, on whichever level you choose, will improve as well.

I may be a totally flawed guy, and I admit I do have commitment issues (stuff I’m working on), but I have to say that I’ve been blessed in that the women that I have attracted in my life have truly been amazing, wonderful, POSITIVE, caring, giving people who are about constantly growing and evolving. I don’t attract the psychos or the bad, negative women. If any were reveal themselves to be like that, I’d move on, because I’m not attracted to that. I’m too spoiled by all the great ones I’ve met.

My friends who are about personal growth and pursuing their dreams have also told me the same thing, that for the most part they only attract positive, together women.

I’m a work in progress, and had I met the women I’ve recently been romantically involved with a few years prior to when we got involved, they would’ve gently patted me on the head and told me to go run and play in the sandbox with my friends, or laughed hysterically in my face. It took me growing and evolving to be able to be attractive to such women.

You get in life who and what you are.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love