Yes, We All Want to Change But How???
I’ve been interested in the concept of “change,” as in improving conditions in one’s life or growing or evolving as a person since I was in my early 20s after my first relationship break up. However, I really didn’t really understand the process of change until really quite recently.
Most people either want things to change in their lives or they want to change themselves, however most fail because if they want things to change in their lives, they’re not aware of the fact that things won’t change until they do, and if they understand the fact that they have to change themselves before things change, they don’t know how to actually change, and after several failed attempts, they wind up giving up in frustration.
Think about the flood of New Year’s Resolutions that go out at the beginning of each year where people resolve to give up smoking, start going to the gym regularly, eat more healthy, go to bed earlier, etc., and within a couple of weeks into the new year, those well meaning resolutions have been all but forgotten and they’re back to doing the exact same old thing each year before. This is because people don’t know the first thing about what it takes to change.
What I’ve learned in my own journey and from the journeys of countless other people whose stories I’ve listened to is that change involves committing to a process of taking small steps consistently over a long period of time while surrendering to the process and not being attached to the outcome (i.e. when it’s going to happen). Most people fail to change because they have neither the commitment, discipline, patience or again, the knowledge of how to change.
In my own life, I failed MISERABLY at changing for years because through sheer willpower, I’d try to make these huge permanent changes in my behaviour, and when I’d undoubtedly fail at staying consistent with that behaviour, I’d beat myself up for weeks for making a mistake, believing that change was futile in my life. Or I’d constantly be monitoring myself to see if I were changing and wind up beating myself up when I didn’t see the change I wanted to see which would get me hugely discouraged. Or, I’d look around at my life and get discouraged when I saw that things weren’t changing fast enough.
What I wasn’t aware of is that if you want to change, you have to start with a small, manageable step that you can do on a consistent basis and commit to it for the long haul. It should be a step that’s big enough to challenge you but small enough that it doesn’t overwhelm you. You don’t have to do the step perfectly, you just have to be willing to show up and do the work. For instance, if your goal is to start working out regularly, and you decided to commit to 3 days a week, your workout doesn’t have to be picture perfect. Some days you’re going to be exhausted and only be able to do a half assed, lack luster workout. So what? Show up and do it anyway. If you’re enrolled in some type of self defense class, it’s the same thing. Just commit to showing up, whether you feel like it or not so that the habit can become ingrained inside of you.
When you commit yourself to a process, know that the path to getting to where you want to go is not going to be linear. You’re going to stumble, you’re going to fall flat on your face, you’re going to fall off the wagon, you’re going to fail, and there are going to be times where you hit a plateau and you don’t seem to be going anywhere. Again, so what. Don’t get discouraged, or if you do get discouraged, no need to beat yourself up about that, that’s part of the process too, just don’t give up. Just stay committed to the process and use that commitment to learn from your mistakes so you can grow.
I’ve learned that change is like a river. Just immerse yourself in it and it will carry you where you need to go through its twists and turns in its own time. As long as you’re immersed in the river, you are going somewhere even though the scenery may look the same. There is no need to constantly be checking to see how much you’re improving and then getting pissed off when you feel you haven’t come far enough or aren’t moving quick enough.
A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with a dude who teaches martial arts, specifically Filipino boxing or Panantukan. The owner of the school he teaches at says he’s the school’s best striker. He told me he started training 10 years ago and it wasn’t until after five years into it that he started being able to spar effectively, before that he would get his butt handed to him. One of the things he tells his students when sparring is not to even think about how much better they’re getting for 6-7 month stretches of time because change is very incremental, and not only will you not be able to see change over a within a week or a month which can get you discouraged, but also being overly focused on how good you’re getting often interferes with the process because you’re too attached to the outcome. After 6-7 months however, the small incremental improvements you’ve made during that time will add up to a noticeable difference. Another Brazilian Jiu-jitsu instructor I watched on YouTube simply tells his students to show up and pay the bill and let him take care of the rest, and they will get better.
Change happens on its own time, in its own way when you keep on showing up and you’re willing to learn from your mistakes and experiences along the way, so there’s no need to look in the oven every five seconds to see how close the food is to being cooked. Plus, incremental change gives your self image the time to adapt to the subsequent changes you see in your life so that you don’t sabotage your success. When big results happen all at once in our lives, they’re often so out of line with our self image that we wind up sabotaging our “success” until we’re right back to where we started which is more in line with what our self image can handle. Think about the person who loses a whole bunch of weight quickly, and within a year, he’s even heavier than when he started, or the person who wins the lottery and within three years, the money is gone.
This is The Viable Alternative.
Hope this helps,
Ike Love
