The Viable Alternative

I remember a few years ago I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone, (may his soul rest in peace), and he was proclaiming to me how he was going to get his sh*t together and then find him a “dime piece,” which to him (and many people who use those words) meant a very attractive woman who had her sh*t together, i.e. had a relatively high paying white collar job, intelligent, had her own place, and classy.

In my brutal honesty to my friend, who I loved dearly, I said to him, “Dude, how exactly are you going to get your sh*t together in order to get this dime piece?”

His response was, “Oh yo, I’mma get me a car and get me some fly gear and dress up all dope and sh*t.”

Grimacing painfully at his answer, I said to him, “Bro, there are many dudes out there who have that already at the minimum. What else are you going to be bringing to the table to set yourself apart to be able to get a woman of that caliber because simply having a car and fresh gear ain’t enough?”

To this, he had no answer, or if he did, I very likely don’t remember because I must’ve quickly blocked it out of my mind because it was so ignorant it was too painful and depressing to think about.

Don’t get me wrong, my friend was a TRUE ladies’ man, but him, like many men and women out there, wanted a high quality romantic partner, but had so many issues that rendered him utterly incapable of ever pulling someone like that, and even if one happened to come around, he would’ve totally sabotaged any possibility because he was clearly not ready for someone like that.

Now, my friend wasn’t alone in this because I would say that MOST men and women are not ready for a truly high quality romantic partner of the opposite sex, though they say they want one.

Before I get into what I’m talking about, how can we define who or what a high quality man or woman is?

Well, first off, let me take the time to say that being a high quality man or woman in no way entails that such a person is better or has more intrinsic value than everyone else. Also, if you were to ask, you would find that everyone has their own definition of what a high quality man or woman is because people are physically attracted to different things, so let’s take looks out of the equation when talking about a high quality man or woman, and strictly focus on their habits and way of being in this world.

Looks aside, a high quality man or woman is a psychologically and emotionally healthy and balanced person, who takes responsibility for his or her own well being and success, has a high level of core confidence based on who they are instead of what they have or do, they treat themselves with love and respect that’s reflected in their overall healthy lifestyle, they have strong, clearly defined boundaries, they are constantly growing and evolving, they’re self aware so as to be able to take an objective look at their faults, insecurities and weaknesses so as to know how to learn from their mistakes, and they have done and are willing to do the inner work necessary to become better, stronger versions of themselves.

Because of a strong, internal foundation, they treat all people with love and respect because no one is seen as a threat to their self image or ego. At the same time, they’re very guarded as to who they allow in their inner circle when it comes to friendships, business and romance.

Don’t get me wrong, such people aren’t perfect by any means, and they do have their own flaws, but due to their self awareness, self love, persistence and consistency, and willingness to take responsibility for their lives, they tend to function better and be more balanced than most people.

…and because birds of a feather flock together, they also expect the same from those they choose to be intimate with.

So that being said, are you ready for a high quality man or woman as a romantic partner?

To find out, ask yourself these questions…

• Are you ready to be called out on your sh*t in a firm and loving way by someone who is willing to look at his or her own sh*t if they’re called out on it or are you instead going to get defensive and cause a whole bunch of drama when called out because being challenged like that is a threat to you?
• Are you ready to use any upcoming disagreements you have with your partner as a constructive way to understand one another in order to build a stronger bond or are you going to use them as a way to prove that you’re right and say hurtful, demeaning things to him or her?
• Are you ready to bring your “A game” to someone who’s doing his or her best to show up and bring their “A game” even if at times they stumble and fall, or would you rather be with someone that doesn’t challenge you to be a better person?
• Are you ready to be with someone who’s totally loving, loyal and respectful to you or honestly, does someone treating you that way scare the living crap out of you?
• Are you willing to be continuously growing and evolving just like your partner in order to grow together as a couple, or would you rather not be with someone who pushes you to grow because you feel like evolving is more trouble than it’s worth?
• Are you ready to reciprocate someone’s loving treatment towards you or are you going see the fact that he or she treats you lovingly as a sign of weakness and try to take advantage of that person?
• Are you ready to accept that just because someone treats with you with love and respect doesn’t mean that that person won’t walk away from you if you cross any boundaries or are you going to be prone to sabotaging something good in your life until the person dumps you?
• Are you ready to be with anyone who doesn’t accept any drama or do you think drama is perfectly normal in a relationship such that when there isn’t any, it freaks you out and you seek to create some?
• Are you ready to proactively work through rough patches together with the person who approaches his or her problems in a proactive way, or would you rather just give up and run?
• Are you ready to be with someone who makes an honest effort to separate the things you say and do from his triggers that come from past emotional baggage and in turn will expect his or her partner do the same? Or are you going to continue to let your baggage tank the relationship while refusing to take a deeper look at yourself?
• Are you willing to face the uncomfortable truths you find out about yourself INSIDE the relationship, or are you going to deny them, run from them or project them onto your partner who is willing to deal with uncomfortable truths about his or her own self?
• Are you ready to be with someone who doesn’t need you to “fix” them because they’re perfectly willing to work on themselves or are you going to get bored or anxious being with someone who doesn’t need you to fix them because fixing give you a sense of self worth?

Being with a dysfunctional person in a dysfunctional relationship of course has its challenges, but so does being with someone who is high quality, which brings a different set of challenges. People often choose to be with dysfunctional people because it’s who they’re comfortable with and it brings the same old drama filled situations that are in the realm of what they are used to that doesn’t require them to grow in any way.

However, when you’re with someone of high quality, he or she will expect of you what he or she would expect of him or herself, to continuously show up and be bigger than what you ever thought yourself to be even when you don’t feel like doing it, in order for the both of you to create something amazing together. That will involve you being vulnerable, showing sides of yourself you’d rather your partner not see, dealing with past pain and trauma that stands in the way of you connecting to your partner and creating a healthy relationship, and among other things, being proactive rather than reactive.

This is too much work for some people, and so, while they may shout till they’re blue in the face that they want someone of high quality, they’re not ready to be with someone like that because being with such a person would be too confronting for them and be considered too much work. If they were to ever get involved with someone like that, they’d quickly find out they’re in over their heads and would either bail, sabotage the whole thing or wind up getting dumped.

To be with someone of high quality, you have to be willing to be high quality yourself and that is not always easy, fun, comfortable or pretty.

This is The Viable Alternative.

Hope this helps,

Ike Love